ACE JONES: MISADVENTURES IN A WINTER WONDERLAND! Now available!

New Release! It’s another Mad Fat Shorty! Now available for only 99¢!

Ace Jones takes on the High Rockies in this hilarious tale of Mad Fat Girl vs. the Mountain! Winter sports beware! Ace has mastered the art of the snow plough and she is not afraid to use it.

Print

Get your copy today!

 Kindle logo                nook logo                smsh                kobo

*The Li’l Mad Fat Shorty is only available as an eBook but if you don’t have an eReader, don’t worry! Kindle and Nook both have free downloadable eReaders for your PC or Mac. Yee haw!

MAD FAT FRIDAY HALLOWEEN SPECIAL! It’s a TOP TEN LIST, y’all!

Top Ten Things I Love About Halloween!

(and the wonderful season of Fall in general)


8038928-small-stack-of-woolen-winter-hats-isolated-on-white-background

DSC_3199

TEN: COOLER WEATHER!

Somebody get me a warm fuzzy scarf! 

My flip-flops have HAD it! 

:)

candy-corn-bowl-646

NINE: Candy Corn! Except for Green Apple which will be mentioned in a future list 

mellowcreme pumpkins (big)

:)

EIGHT: Freakin’ mellocrème pumpkins!

cat

SEVEN: The Color PURPLE! The actual color, not the movie. From the decorative lights to the crazy-eyed cats! I loves it!

:)

images

SIX: All that chocolate that goes on sale on November 1st!

screme egg

:)

FIVE:Cadbury Screme Eggs! Shout Out to the rabbit that clucks like a chicken! Fall is so much better now!

                                                                     

pumpkinsFOUR: REAL Pumpkins! Big ones, small ones, fat ones, speckled ones! I love ‘em all! In patches, on porches, or piled up next to cockamamie scarecrows! I love pumpkins! But I ain’t eatin’ one.

:)

beer

THREE:  Oktoberfest Beer! Hellz-to-the-yea-yah! Someday I’m gonna go to Boston or Bavaria or wherever the hell they make this stuff and I’m gonna marry Samuel Adams.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

1377996107000-USP-NCAA-Football-Rice-at-Texas-A-Mjohnny-manziel-beer-pong-shorts-longhorns-tattooTWO: JOHNNY FOOTBALL (AKA Johnny Manziel) –  He likes to party, he won the Heisman, he’s been arrested, and he put the smack down on the Tide. He’s a smart-ass all-around all-american bad-ass. Rock and roll, Johnny F**kin’ Football. We love you!

:) :) :)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

witch

ONE: PLUS-SIZED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! ROCK ON MY FELLOW FAT WITCHES AND SEXY BITCHES! 

:)

#HOLLA!

Like Willie Nelson, I’m about to be On The Road Again! DOWN & OUT IN BUGTUSSLE dang-nearly-a-WORLD TOUR rolls on!

Come see me! I’ll have a cupcake for you!

420275_10150727400281554_1817002194_n
41604_107609976553_4786190_n
Friday, July 12
111 South Spring Street 
Tupelo, Mississippi 
4:00 pm to 5:30 pm

mall-barnes-crossing-tupelo
2346-1
Saturday, July 13
Tupelo, Mississippi
2:00 pm
29345_507592959258537_1869778144_n
Lemuria Books Jackson MS
Monday, July 15
465 North Highway 55 #202 
Jackson, Mississippi 
5:00 pm until

BookExchangeLogo_with_addressTuesday, July 16
Book Exchange
2932 Canton Road
Marietta, Georgia
w/ lovely ladies Jane Porter & Beth Albright at 6:30 pm
bugtussle-1

DOWN & OUT IN BUGTUSSLE now available wherever books are sold!

The madness! The drama! The saga of Ace Jones continues with the release of Down & Out in Bugtussle! Now available wherever books are sold! Pick up your copy today and let the Mad Fad Misadventures begin….

bugtussle-1

And you might need some Therapy with that….

June 4, 2013 (Penguin Special)

Click here for info on the Li’l Mad Fat Shorty!

TOP TEN HOT SUMMER MOVIE MEN 2013

Y’all know I’m always out and about on Mad Fat Friday hustling up hot men for some top ten lists. Okay hustling might not be the right word but we’ll get to that later because now, without further ado, I bring you the official…

TOP TEN HOT SUMMER MOVIE MEN 2013

Special note: I left out all the nerds. You’re welcome!

TEN

zodu

 That dude off Pearl Harbor as Zod on Superman – oops I mean Man of Steel.

Somebody call Lois Lane and tell her don’t nobody want her damn Superman! Zod’s really not that bad of a guy, right? Seems to me he’s bulging in all the right places….

jf1
the end5NINE

James Franco as James Franco in This Is The End

I won’t lie and say I’m not jealous of the crush he has on Seth Rogan.

EIGHT

Grown-Ups-2-500x250

The fine lookin’ fellers of Grown Ups 2.

Cause I know sexy when I see it and, baby, I can see it coming from a mile away!

chanchan2SEVEN

Dr. Kendrick Kang-Joh “Ken” Jeong as sexy Mr. Leslie Chow in The Hangover 3.

Because this guy knows how to party and get down and have a good time and everything always turns out peachy for everyone involved! Party on, Chow!

SIX

o-GROWN-UPS-2-570

The Andy Samberg Cheer Squad on Grown Ups 2.

Gimme an H! H-O-T! T! N! N-E-S! And then can I have one more S, please? HOTNESS! Ladies, have you ever seen such? Me either!

tonto

FIVE

Damn Tonto in The Lone Ranger!

Quick! Somebody get me a bird for my head! And it needs to be a peacock, if you’ve got one handy!

FOUR

crthe endCraig Robinson as Craig Robinson in This Is The End

He’s chubby and he’s funny and his shirt says, “Take yo panties off!” I like a man who knows what he wants!

john goodmanflight2THREE

John Goodman as Marshall in The Hangover Part 3.

Cause he is one fat and very sexy man!

I also liked him as Harlig Mays on Flight -who was almost the same character as Marshall but not dressed quite as nice. 

the end2dm1TWO

Danny McBride as Danny McBride in  This Is The End

You rock my world Kenny F–kin’ Powers. You can cook me breakfast anytime.

zachZGONE

Zach Galifianakis as Alan Garner in The Hangover Part 3.

Who falls in love with a Super Fly Fat Girl? Alan falls in love with a Super Fly Fat Girl. One man Wolfpack forever, baby! FOREVER!

Great! Now let’s all go out and watch our favorite Fat Girl, Melissa McCarthy, rock it out with Sandra Bullock in The Heat! Rock and effin’ Roll!

heat

Lookin’ back on where I’ve roamed…

SEVEN DAYS! I can’t believe it myself! In exactly ONE week, the saga of Ace Jones begins again with Down & Out in Bugtussle! And what a journey it has been -not just for Ace Jones- but for me as well…

Way back when (don’t you love it when a story starts like that -haha!) Okay, so way back when I was teaching high school Spanish at New Site High School in the outskirts of Prentiss County, Mississippi, I spent more than a few of my planning periods thinking about the character of Ace Jones. Sure, I wanted to write a book -I just didn’t think I could do it. I thought I was wasting my time. But still, I hung on to all of my thoughtful scribbles and a few years later, while living in Colorado Springs, I up and decided that I was going to do it. Really do it. I was driven to this conclusion, not from sheer will-power (surprise!) but rather from complete desperation.

142462_512x288_generatedYou see, I had this part-time job that made me want to go Harry Caray (like the Will Ferrell character on SNL) every damn day of the week.

Let me just tell you a little bit about that… I was working as a Math Interventionist (yeah, I said math and anyone who knows me knows I have to use a calculator to add single digit numbers so there you go). I would like to go on record and say that I was tricked into that job. Yeah, they tricked me because the actual position I’d applied for was called Achievement Specialist. And I’ll admit that when I saw that posting, I thought to myself, “Now that sounds pretty ambitious, but I’ll just click this submit button and see what happens.” What happened was they called me in for an interview.

The guys who interviewed me were nice. We talked about SEC football and so forth and so on and things were going great until one of them said, “So what this position actually is is a math interventionist.” I apologized and told him I was an English major. He pressed the matter and finally I said, “Hey, look, I’m going to be honest. Math wasn’t my best subject.” They thought that was great and I knew I was in trouble. They wanted someone who could empathize with the students who were struggling. Encourage them.

Yes, this is really what it looks like....

Yes, this is really what it looks like….

Help them with the basics. Just the basics. Of Algebra One. Surely I could do that. And they were so nice. And that school was so nice.  They took me on a tour and I’d never seen anything like it. The library had a huge three-story window that faced the snow-capped Rocky Mountains. And so began my short-lived career as a Math Interventionist.

The school itself was a freakin’ architectural wonder, the people I worked with in the math department were the coolest, and the students I was responsible for “encouraging” were absolutely precious (well, most of them). But spending twenty-two hours a week in an Algebra classroom proved to be quite a task for me. Because I hate math. And beyond that, something wasn’t quite right. I got the distinct feeling that I was filling a position that someone somewhere (like perhaps the district office) had said, “THIS is what we’re going to do and THIS is how we’re going to do it.” And then the people who hired me were just like, “Oh, okay. Whatever you say, ol’ sport.” You know, that kind of thing. But that’s just my hypothesis and I do have a creative mind…. At any rate, I thanked them graciously and bowed out of that position.

So I went home and fixed my husband a real nice chicken dinner after which I announced my plans to give writing an honest shot. I told him that if nothing came of it, then when he got out of the Army, I’d go back to teaching school and never say another word about it. Later, he told me later that he’d had the worst day ever when he came in to that chicken dinner and found out I’d quit my job. But that night, he just smiled and told me he thought I could do it. Which was great because I still wasn’t so sure.

9780451236494_DiaryOfAMadF_CV.inddSo in March of 2010, I started writing what would become Diary of a Mad Fat Girl. I self-pubbed that little b-word and in March of 2011, it showed up on the New York Times and USA Today’s bestseller lists. And no one was more surprised (or delighted) than me.

DOWN&OUTFast forward two years and four months, and here I sit writing a blog that started out being about this new book I’ve got coming out. Yeah, back to that! It all began with Diary, which led to Happily Ever Madder, the ending of which necessitated the induction of the Li’l Mad Fat Shorty, Ace Jones: Mad Fat Adventures in Therapy. And now, Ace Jones comes full circle in Down & Out in Bugtussle, which could be the best one yet!

So how do I feel about things now? Well, life ain’t no fairy tale, especially for a Mad Fat Girl, but sometimes -every now and then- things turn out just right. So let’s all get Down & Out in Bugtussle and let that roller coaster Roll On!

Check out the book tour dates here and be sure to enter the Big Book Giveaway at Goodreads!

The Free Unsolicited Bad Advice Rolls On! ACE JONES answers DEAR ABBY: Someone has to GO! #HOLLA

DEAR ABBY: Over the past few years, as social media has become more popular, I have noticed a trend among many people. They now favor that form of communication over personal human interaction. This is especially true of my girlfriend of five years.

We have the normal relationship problems I feel could be addressed, but from the moment she gets home from work she’s in front of the computer playing Facebook games, posting status updates or messaging “friends.” She sits there for hours, lost in her virtual world. We rarely talk anymore, and when we do it turns into an argument because I’m trying to discuss what I see as a serious problem.

The Internet and social media are great tools for bringing worlds together, if they are not abused. But for many people, I think, social media is doing more harm than good. It has depersonalized human contact and has the potential to destroy relationships and isolate individuals.

I’m interested in your opinion and any advice you can give me on helping my girlfriend understand my concerns. — ALONE IN THE REAL WORLD

DEAR ABBY SAYS…

DEAR ALONE: People cannot be two places at once. When relationships aren’t nurtured, they wither. If this has been going on for an extended period, then it’s time you give your girlfriend a wake-up call: You feel abandoned. By spending more time in the virtual world than in the real one, she is neglecting her relationship with you.

Ask her if she would be willing to work on a compromise so that she spends time with you. If she can’t do that, and the Internet is giving her everything she needs, then you should find a lady who is willing to give you more of what you need, which is undivided attention.

ACE JONES SAYS…

Okay Loner, I’ve got the perfect plan for ya! Dump that biz-nitch and find yourself a woman with some functioning brain cells! Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner! Dang, I am so good at this!

BUT, since you’re the kind of guy who writes to Dear Abby about your love life, then you might be the sensitive type so in consideration of that, here is your…

356loaPlan B: Establish your own social media empire and out-ignore your lame ass girlfriend. This is too easy! You’re a dude, so as soon as you join Facebook, a hundred thousand girls who look like hookers will immediately try to be your friend. Sure, they’re probably just some grimy, stinkin’ low-life trying to steal your identity or get you to visit their porn site, but who cares? It’s a numbers game, right? Right! Then get yourself a Twitter account and Tweet the shit out of it. Can’t think of anything to say? Who cares? It’s just one big one-way conversation anyway! So get busy tossing up random thoughts that consist of 140 characters or less. OR you could just sit there and read funny Tweets from the Fake CNN like I do.

Okay, so next you need to start a blog where you document every word of every argument y’all have had about this issue. Because that would be some good stuff right there! Next, you should link all that shit up so your blog posts to Twitter and your Twitter to Facebook. Now, that one step could very well solve all of your problems because depending on how old you are, you could die of old age before you get all that crap figured out.

hooters girlAt any rate, I feel compelled to offer up a Plan C: Go, man! Get out of there! Go downtown and get a drink. Go to Hooters. Go buy an xBox (that’ll burn her ass up -I promise). Go crazy and kick her to the curb (wait, that’s Plan A). Go get laid (oh, I should not have said that but, I did… so there it is).

Whatever you decide to do, just be sure not to keep sitting there like a knot on a log! And don’t waste your time arguing unless you need it for your new blog! Hehe! Get out have some some fun! Who knows, you might run across a nice girl who thinks life is grand without a cell phone mounted to her face. Problem solved! Holla!

holla_brown_tshirt