I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!
It’s time for another installment of Morons in the Media! Today’s feature: Three very special people whose proclivity for idiocracy landed them in the headlines for doing shit that you will not believe. Enjoy!
First off, we have Stacy Schuler, 33, from Ohio. Stacy was a teacher and athletic trainer at Mason High School in Lebanon when she decided to get-buck-what’s-up with a bunch of her students. And by “a bunch”, I mean five. At least that’s how many testified that they had sex with her while they were at her house back in 2010. Ms. Schuler’s lawyers claimed she had medical and psychological issues and didn’t remember the alleged incidents. The students said she was drinking at the time so maybe she really didn’t. A couple of girls (don’t even want to know how they were involved) took the stand and said she told them if she got caught, she’d just plead insanity and that’s just what she did. And even though Ms. Schuler is clearly crazy as hell, she’s going to jail for four years. Good luck to Stacy’s parents in getting over this.
Next we have Jennifer Gomes, 42, a P.E. teacher from Colorado. On October 17, Ms. Gomes decided that she just wasn’t in the mood for another day of gym class at the private Catholic school in Denver where she worked. Instead of wasting a personal day, however, she decided to give everyone the day off by sticking a note on the door of the school saying there was a bomb inside. Good call, Jen. And good luck finding another job. Anywhere. Ever. And good luck with that Class 6 felony for false reporting of explosives.
Finally, how about a round of applause for Mr. Keith Gaylor, also from Colorado who met himself a girl on Craigslist that he wanted to spend some sexy time with. He invited her over to the house he shared his girlfriend, who was gone for the night (or so he thought). The plan went awry when the girlfriend showed up while the Craigslist find was on her way over. Shortly after the girlfriend arrived at 3am, there was a knock at the door and, in an effort to throw his girlfriend off his douche-bagger trail, he called 911 and reported an attempted burglary. He told police that someone was trying to break into his house by knocking on his door and waving a gun. Five officers sped to his home and arrested the alleged burglar, who they let go shortly after figuring out that Mr. Gaylor was a complete and total shitbag shit-for-brains. No word on where he’s living now. Good luck ever getting laid again, Kevin.
So that concludes our Mad Fat Friday dedication to this weeks Media Morons. Let’s take a moment to review what we’ve learned from all this: 1) Only host alcohol-fueled orgies for grown-ups 2) If you have to choose between calling in sick or calling in a bomb threat, go with the sick call and 3) If you get horny at 3am, go to their house. Pretty simple, right?
Ok, so let’s all go out and party this Halloween weekend and hope we all make it through it without going to jail, but if we do, let’s hope our names don’t end up in the news like these fools!
Have a great Mad Fat Friday and a wonderfully spooky, but very happy Halloween! Now let’s all go get nuts on the chocolate and candy corn!
Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,
Ace Jones
