I swear, I was just trying to get some lasagna. I used the drive-thru, put my cup in the cup holder, went home, and ate on the couch (not the table). I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell now because, well, just take a look at this cup…
I don’t even have to tell y’all what happened when I read this do I? Cause y’all know me well enough to know that stuff like this pisses people like me off. So please, allow me to breakdown the helpful life tips printed on my Fazoli’s to-go cup one condescending assertion at a time…Ace Jones Style:
Quit the cup holder: trade the car for the dinner table tonight – So Fazoli’s advertising executives think their customers pick up the family dinner at the drive-thru and then do what? Drive over to the Wal-Mart parking lot and eat it? Really? It’s freakin’ pasta dishes! Nobody eats that crap in the car! Or maybe they mean for me to drive back to the Nissan dealership and tell them I made a terrible mistake when I bought a car and I’d like to talk to someone about trading my Maxima for a nice, sturdy dinner table. And I would be sure to hold my drink in my hand on the way so I can quit that damned cup holder!
Forks down. Straws up. – Thank you, Fazoli’s, for so thoughtfully reminding me that my fork AND my straw cannot both be in my mouth at the same time. Because I am so incredibly stupid that I need to be told to eat and drink at different times. Love the imperative tone used here!
Table Manners: easier to teach at tables – This one really pisses me off. Why don’t they just say, “You are a f–king slob and your kids are f—king slobs, too.” Or maybe, “We at Fazoli’s think people who spend their hard-earned money on our half-ass Italian food need to engage in certain social improvements which should start with teaching children how to act at a table… preferably ours.” Or maybe, “Look at you, sucker! You paid money for us to attack you as a person and a parent.” What a bunch of fuckballs! If they feel this strongly then perhaps they should close their f—king drive-thru!
Whew! I am so mad right now! But, let’s continue…
Eat dnt txt. – What if I’m eating alone? Can I play Angry Birds? What if I need to check my email? Will I be asked to leave your almighty table at which manners should be taught? Question: Would a waitress at Olive Garden walk up and tell someone this? Answer: Hell. No.
Even real flavor needs to be washed down – I don’t even know what this means. Do they think people don’t need anything to drink with a meal Fazoli’s ad execs deem inferior to their own? Or do they run their noodles through the dishwasher?
Mom is not synonymous with waitress: This was a great phrase to include because everyone loves it when someone makes negative insinuations about their kids, right? I think what they really meant to say was, “Get off of your ass you pathetic little fucks and get your own napkins because those miserable excuses for parents you have don’t have the balls to tell you this BUT YOUR FAZOLI CUP HAS THE BALLS! SO TAKE HEED TO THE COMMANDMENTS OF THE CUP!”
It’s a mini-van not a mini-dining room. – Hey, Mom! Just in case you were thinking you might get off easy, here’s your jab, you worthless hag!
Goes well with actual dinner conversation. Here are some starters if you’re a little rusty. “Is your favorite color still blue?” “Remember that time we went to _____ and _____ and did _____?” “So, anything fun happen as school today?” – This is a great example of Fazoli’s commitment to let each individual person who orders a drink from them KNOW that they are worthless and suck at life. If I was a mini-van driving mom and someone handed me a cup with this crap printed on it, I would put my mini-dining room in park, go in Fazoli’s, and punch somebody in the face.
Real meal tip: Sip. Don’t gulp. – Like the reminder to put down the fork before I pick up my drink, I can’t express how much I needed to know this need-to-know information. I mean, because I could very well be one of those people who has spent my whole life up until now eating lasagna from the cup holder of a minivan in a parking lot after a soccer game and I need to be TOLD how to drink my drink that I just paid money for. To this I say, It’s my f—king drink. I’ll drink however I damn well please.
Return to real food – Oh, you must mean like they serve at Macaroni Grill for about a buck fifty more a plate. You know what? That’s a great idea!
Then there is the “I believe” tirade that really gets down on the fried food and basically says that you are a worthless piece of shit if you eat something fried, especially during soccer season.
Well, I believe that Fazoli’s has overstepped its fast-food boundaries in a thoroughly disgusting way. And I don’t believe I will ever need a drink from that assholish establishment because I’m not in the habit of paying people (or paper cups) to attack me with self-righteous, condescending bullshit when all I’m trying to do is get some f–king spaghetti and meat balls.
Seriously, who do these people think they are? And what were they thinking? Did their corporate organization get confused and mistake their role in the industry for a mission to become therapists, priests, and life coaches. Seriously, what the HELL? And do they think everyone in the WORLD is a douche-bag or just the people who eat at Fazoli’s?
Whatever the explanation, I have taken it upon myself to create a great new slogan for Fazoli’s:
Fazoli’s: Fixing what’s wrong with the world one bum-ass ignorant lazy good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch at a time. And yes, you will have to pay extra for that breadstick.
Sound good? I thought so too.
And while I’m over-stepping my own bounds and handing out advice where I have no business (which I assume Fazoli’s could relate to, if not appreciate). Please consider the following:
Keep the red spider mites out of your authentic marinara (see video below).
This is Ace Jones. Over and Out. I’m on my way to Carrabba’s.