Penis! Penis! Penis! Yes! I saw some penis. Was it real? Who knows? Who cares? Not me. But you can’t blink because you might miss the penis. There was the clandestine penis that made a semi-blurred appearance in a working pump and then there was the shadow screen penis that flopped around like a coke-sniffing Titanoboa. It was great! Because who doesn’t love penis? Disclaimer: There were also some boobs on display, which I personally thought had no business whatsoever appearing in this movie.
Okay, so what else? Oh yeah…Channing Tatum! Magic Mike! Magic Mike! Magic Mike dry-humping everything from an umbrella handle to some random woman’s face! OMG that fellow can move-it move-it like it ain’t ever been moved before. Whew! His hotness is hotter than his ass is fine. And dang! His ass is FINE! And it’s on full display for our viewing pleasure. Which is why no penis-loving woman or man should miss this movie.
Now let’s talk about that I Am Number Four hottie! Alex Pettyfer is divine! Ladies and gentleman-loving-gentlemen, baggy-saggy underwear has never looked better! And even when that weird-ass little pig was sopping up his vomit, he was beautiful. Him. Not the pig. The pig was weird. And when Matthew McConaughey taught him to “make love to that mirror” –it was almost too much. Fifty Shades of Bring-It-ON Baby!
The only thing wrong with this movie is that they tried to make an actual movie out of it and all I really needed was more dance scenes. I think it would’ve been much better (and probably wouldn’t have come in second at the box office to a foul-mouth stupid-ass teddy bear) had it been 110 minutes of pure strip! Because I needed more Ken, Tito, and Tarzan. And way more Big D Richie.
Bottom Line: It’s a fantastic festival of manly eye-candy. Probably the best movie ever made. Ever.
And best thing I overheard at the theatre: “One senior ticket for Magic Mike, please.”
If you haven’t seen this movie, stop whatever you’re doing, drive to the nearest theatre, and sit there until the next show comes on. If you have seen it, you should drop whatever you’re doing, drive to the nearest theatre, and sit there till the next show comes on. Yes, I am serious.