While this movie didn’t have a sliver of penis, it did have a trailer-truck load of balls. And if one of Seth MacFarlane’s primary goals in making this film was to offend the easily-offended, well, I say he can chalk Ted up as a win. I mean, I appreciate edgy humor as much as the next smartass -which is why I went to see the movie to begin with- but even I grew weary of the recurring 9/11 “jokes.” And while I’m telling you what was wrong with this movie, let me just go on and say that I spend 106 minutes fantasizing about curb-stomping that teddy bear’s snout into some semi-dry pavement. Which was exactly how I was supposed to feel about Ted in Ted which brings my next point: This movie was very, very well done (pardon the steak reference but I’m on my way to Outback).
Honestly, I was surprised by how good this movie really was. For example, in the very beginning when all the punk-ass 80’s kids were opening their Christmas presents, we saw a Nintendo, a Cabbage Patch Kid, and Star Wars figurines in a Darth Vader carrying case. Can’t beat that for authenticity.
And the acting was, in my unprofessional opinion, superb. Marky Mark Walberg killed it in a thousand different ways, Mila Kunis was lovely and I didn’t once picture her as Meg Griffin, and I’m quite fond of anything involving that smarty-pants sex-pistol Joel McHale. And seeing as how I’ve recently developed some kind of wonderful addiction to watching men shake their tail feathers, I was quite enamored with Giovanni Ribisi after watching him shake that ass to I Think We’re Alone Now. It was the hotness! (When you see this scene you will thank me for the heads up.) That freaky-luscious dance fest was in addition to an earlier scene where Marky Mark broke it down on a packed dance floor with some moves that vaguely resembled break-dancing and/or kick-boxing and while I’m not sure what he was actually doing, I liked it. And while that corny-ass Saturday Night Fever rendition probably pissed of his Funky Bunch, I thought it was summertime cinematic perfection!
Okay, so moving on….
Ted most definitely rocked a star-studded cast packed with studly stars. Like Ryan Reynolds, who just showed up and smiled. The only hotness hotter than him in this film was that freakin’ Sam J. Jones, who could Flash my Gordon anytime! Umm hmm. Who needs a silver fox when you’ve got a beefed-up, bleached-blond, coke-sniffing superhero like him on the scene!?!
And, in all fairness, maybe I didn’t harbor much affection for Ted in Ted because you know how we tend to dislike people –or in this case, a stuffed animal with the magical power of speech and animation- that are too much like us and well, I did see a lot of Ace Jones in that plump little smart-ass fuzzy bastard. So maybe I shouldn’t have been disappointed when (spoiler alert!) he didn’t die in the end. Because, after all, Ted did deliver some serious third-class hilariousness and bark out the line, “Whatever Tubby McFatfuck!” I LOL-ed my own fat ass off at that one.
Bottom Line: It was some of the best good wholesome foul-mouthed fun I’ve had so far this summer.