What’s a fat girl to do when the good movies run dry and it’s still six degrees hotter than the seventh ring of hades? Quit blogging about summer movies? Hell no! I can’t do that because The Campaign comes out next week -dang!
Wait –I know! What if I were to write a rambling Mad Fat Friday recap about what I did and didn’t see this summer and why? Anybody interested? No? Okay, great then let’s get started! But before I do, perhaps I should apologize for the bat-infested bat blog from last week. Maybe I should’ve laid off the bat juice (yeah, all you lovely lushes know the bottle I’m talking about) before firing up the ol’ laptop.
So even though it feels like it’s been ten years ago, let’s talk about what came out in May. The Avengers – I thought this was tee-totally flippin’ awesome and I’ll watch it sixty more times when I buy it DVD. Because I love hot men playing super heroes. Dark Shadows –Had to Red Box it. Love Johnny Depp, but sometimes he gets a little too weird. Can I add here that I absolutely loved Rum Diary with my whole heart? No? Okay. What to Expect When You’re Expecting – HA! Are you fucking kidding me? Two words: Jennifer Lopez. Next! Battleship – I just didn’t dig the previews, but it’s a strong maybe for Red Box. Chernobyl Diaries – Wow, did this one ever suck giant donkey balls. Worst. Acting. Ever. Looking back, I shoulda dropped this twenty bucks on Battleship. Men in Black III – I’ve been in love with Agents J and K since 1997. What else can I say? Loved it.
Then June came along and graced us with some real doozies and stinkers. Like Snow White and the Huntsman, which was definitely a big time doozie. I think I may have mentioned that this was one of the best movies I’ve seen in the past decade. Prometheus – Bitter, bitter disappointment. Awful terrible horrible alien let-down. Rock of Ages – June’s Are You Fucking Kidding Me Choice. Two words: Tom Cruise. No thanks! That’s My Boy – Um. This was a tough one because I’m a hard-core SNL fan and I love Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler, but experience has taught me that when Mr. Sandler employs that “eh eh eh” voice –it ain’t gonna be good. And who could ever forget about Hot Rod. *snif snif* Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – Seriously, if this was the best title they could come up with, I’m just not interested. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World – I feel the same way about Steve Carrell that I do Adam Sandler’s “eh eh eh” voice. Had to pass. Magic Mike – I think I made myself clear when I blogged about this. What woman in America didn’t love it? Penis? Yes, thank you. May I have another? People Like Us – And I quote: “While settling his recently deceased father’s estate, a salesman discovers he has a sister-” Errrrrk! I’m done. Ted – Pretty fucking foul and pretty fucking funny. Madea’s Witness Protection – Eugene Levy is not black so what the hell is he doing in this film? What has become of Tyler Perry? How dare he put eyebrows like that in one of his movies? Red Box!
And then July rolled around with some much-anticipated blockbusters. The Amazing Spider-Man – While I love Emma Stone and that dude from the Facebook movie, I didn’t love this flick so much. But in all fairness, I don’t feel that I was in the target audience because I’m not a sniffling, sniggering teenager (thank GOD!). It was okay. But no matter how amazing Spider-Man is, that wormy bastard doesn’t have a chance against Bat-Man. At anything. Savages – Yeah, when I mentioned much-anticipated blockbusters, I didn’t mean this one. Red Box? Uh, no. The Dark Knight Rises – I went ape-freakin’-batshit-crazy I loved this movie so much (see last week’s bat blog). I’ll add it to the Best Movie I’ve Seen in the Past Ten Years list. The Watch – As far as I’m concerned, Ben Stiller, Steve Carrell, and Adam Sandler’s “eh eh eh” voice are all in the same boat and that bitch needs to be set out to sea. Throw in a little alien slime and yeah, that’s big Hell-to-tha-Neva! Step Up Revolution – Ahahahaahaaa!! I got you, didn’t I? I can’t believe I even put that on here.
So here’s why I can’t stop my Mad Fat Summer blogging adventure just yet: Because it’s August and there are a few things I can’t wait to see! Like Total Recall – Ha! Got you again. I’m not going to see this crap! I got sick of watching the damn preview in all the other movies I saw this summer. Red Box? Not a chance? The Bourne Legacy – OMG! The only movie man I love more than Agents J and K is Jason freakin’ Bourne! And I think that sweet little fox Jeremy Renner is going to bring it home to mama next weekend! Woo Hoo! And finally: The Campaign – Now here’s a preview I love seeing every time I take a freshly buttered-up bowl of popcorn through the darkened door of a movie theater. And I quote: “Is anyone asking how my hand feels after punching that iron-like jaw of that baby ?” Can’t wait!
Okay, so should I stop here or do I need to tell anyone that I won’t be seeing that movie titled: Green Sock with a Weed Growing Out the Top? What? That’s not the title? Oh well.
Happy Mad Fat Friday! Have a wonderful weekend! Red Box here I come!