This is Ace Jones reporting live from the sidewalk of my local movie theater. I’m on the brink of an emotional breakdown because I’ve found myself ensnared by a mind-blowing crisis: What do I watch first? The Bourne Legacy or The Campaign? Aaaaahhhhh! It hurts to think about it! I don’t know what to do. Help me Tom Cruise! Help me Oprah! Wait, on second thought, never mind Tom Cruise I don’t think I need you! I need Alex Conklin to bark some instructions over a 
green dial-up telephone at me! I’ve tried to play rock, paper, scissors –but I ended up accidentally punching a little old lady here to see Hope Springs and then she beat the shit out of me so now I’m just sitting here holding a left-over chicken nugget I found in my car over my eye hoping it don’t bruise! Oh, the painful anxiety of indecision.
I have managed to decide that today is a good day for a Discount Double Feature. (NO! I’m not implying that I plan to pay for one movie and then duck in and see a second for free because that would be stealing and stealing is wrong! Wrong, I tell you! Doing something like that would mean reducing myself to the low level of those big companies and popular organizations that take advantage of their consumers and patrons by grossly overcharging for goods and services. Like, say for example, a place that charges fifteen dollars for coke and popcorn ordinarily valued at three bucks! No! Not me. Never. I’m totally not the kind of person who employs my own brand of “buy ten get one free” –no way. I don’t even know what Discount Double Feature means!)
So back to the task at hand. What to do? What to do? The Bourne Legacy or The Campaign? The Campaign or The Bourne Legacy? Ugly Funny Men or Sexy Dangerous Men or vice versa? It’s too much! Why did these two particular
movies have to open on the same day? Don’t those people in charge of crap like this know there’s people like me out here crazy as a pack of shithouse rats and can’t handle the pressure!?!
Okay, I’m going to make a decision. I’m walking up to the ticket window. I’m doing this. I mean it. I really am. For the six people who waste five minutes of your day reading this blog -prepare yourself! Are you ready? What’s that? You don’t care either way? You just want me to shut up already? That is so mean! Okay, I’m about to make a decision once and for all. I’m getting out my wallet. I’m leaning down so I can shout to this annoyed-looking teenager trying to act like she’s not texting under the counter. I am going to choose which movie to see first. I’m doing it! The Bourne Legacy or The Campaign? The Campaign or The Bourne Legacy? Right now! I would like one ticket for…
To be continued…
