So on Fandango, Fans are giving The Expendables 2 a green-bubbled “Must Go!” while Critics are sticking it with a yellow-ballooned “So-So”. I’ll be honest folks; the Critics can and should suck it on this one! and Fandango should come up with a balloon that explodes with multi-colored fireworks and screams “You’re a fool if you miss this movie!” then makes your phone shock you periodically until you scan a stub from this movie with an app that I’m about to start working on creating. And yes, there are still days when I can’t figure out how to power off my iPhone, but I’m about to make a cell phone app that’s going to make me rich because that’s how inspired I was by The Expendables 2.
I feel like every movie I’ve ever watched in my entire life prepared me for the spectacle of this star-studded detonation of super-sexy old guy ass-stompin’ drama. Let’s just talk about that cast for a minute. There was Rocky Rambo Balboa as Barney Ross, my boyfriend Frank-n-Chev AKA: Tybalt from Gnomeo & Juliet as the ever-sexy Lee Christmas, Big Black “Fingers” Jack Cheeseburger Eddy as Hale Caesar, Martial Arts Master of the Universe AKA Walker, I’ll-Kick-You-Right-In-Your-Damn-Face Texas Ranger as Booker (who did a most excellent Chuck Norris joke), Rocky’s Russian nemesis freakin’ Ivan Drago as Gunnar Jensen (and wasn’t he in Universal Soldier too-not two, I mean also?). Whew! I don’t know if I can go on. Just like when I was watching the movie, I’m getting overwhelmed by the five-star, hell FIVE MILLION AND FIFTY FIVE-star badassness! But I’ll try to continue. Let’s see there was also the Kung Fu King of the World Dr. Wong Fei-Hung as Ying Yang, Thor’s little brother (not the one from Avengers, the real one that was in some little-known movie about being hungry) as Billy the Kid, and then there was Toll Road from the first Expendables as Toll Road (yeah, I don’t know who he is, but aside from my boyfriend Frank-n-Chev, he’s one of the hottest and sexiest old farts in this film). Let’s see. It seems as if there were a few more… Oh yeah! My other boyfriend, The Eternally and Universally Sexy Soldier Luc Deveraux as the badass bad man appropriately named Jean Vilain, my number three boyfriend, Detective John Butch McClane as good-guy-bad-guy-who-knows-who-cares Mr. Church. And, let’s see… wasn’t there one more? That’s right! The Terminator! Seeing him onscreen got me way more excited that I expected and/or perhaps should have been. And when he ripped the door off of that car, I almost pissed my panty-liner laughing!
Okay, so after covering that ridiculously and unbelievably badass cast, is there really anything left to say? I think not. But I think I’ll say something anyway. This movie will blow your mind. When it was over, I felt like I’d been in the theatre for fifteen minutes. Which is great! And I felt like kicking someone’s ass right up to the moon!
In closing, the only way this movie could’ve possibly been any more exciting would be if they had all gotten into a big explosive brawl with each other. With all those super-gigantic egos present and accounted for, that would’ve been totally believable and super-freakin-awesomly-fantastic. But then again, I don’t think movie-goers could’ve stood it. We probably need to work up to that kind of greatness. Maybe Sly will put together a sequel called The Expendables have Killed all the Bad Guys in this World and Beyond so Now They’re Kicking Each Other’s Old Badass Asses! That’s some fa-sho blockbuster material right there. Maybe he’ll call it The Expendables 4EVA (they can just skip from 2 to 4 because really- who’s going to say anything?) And I’m sure they’ll have their old airplane up and running by then. I love that thing!
Bottom Line: Boom-Lay, Boom-Lay, BOOM! I’m going to see it again tonight.
In an honest effort to go out with a bang, this will be the final installment of Mad Fat Summer Movie Reviews. To celebrate the end of what is probably the most unreliable yet slightly funny movie reviews available in any form of media, I’m going to watch the following video (which is the theme song from the first Expendables and undeniably the most badassed badass song in the history of the world) and then I’m going to throw my computer out the window and go find some unsuspecting asshole, like that disgusting fatass Ven Budhu who looks like his asshole is trying to suck up his face-Yeah, I said it! and beat the shit out of him! *wicked laugh* Then I’m going to swim three of the five great lakes, set my car on fire on the freeway, and launch my campaign for President of the United States! Rock and roll! This is your future world leader, Ace Jones, singing off on Mad Fat Summer Movie Reviews 2012.
P.S. I’ll see you in September if I’m not incarcerated for any of the high jinx mentioned above. Which I probably won’t be because my friends who have also seen The Expendables 2 could surely bust me out.