Happy Mad Fat Halloween from Ace Jones!

WHAT? Is this a designated Mad Fat Wednesday GO CRAZY TODAY Special? Heck, yes! And it’s another never-ever-gonna-get-world-famous Top Ten List!

Top Ten Things Ace Jones doesn’t love so much about Halloween:

Uh, no thanks.

TEN: Licorice! Could someone please tell Twizzler that no amount of marketing strategy and/or clever packaging will ever make their product taste like anything other than a bucket of dried-up ass ‘roids?

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Just can’t dig it…out of the pumpkin, that is.

Oh baby! Sweet Tater Pie!

NINE: Anything made with pumpkin, pumpkin spice, or pumpkin flavor. I hate it. I just like to look at my pumpkins, thank you. And if I’m eatin’ orange pie, rest assured it’s sweet tater!

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Make it stop!

EIGHT: Taffy! Or whatever comes in those little black and orange wrappers! I’ve hated that shit since 1983! And I ain’t over it yet!

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Do I see a banana in those drawers?

SEVEN: Weird people. You know the ones. Creepy in all the wrong ways.

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SIX: Green Apple Candy Corn.    I hope someone got fired for that!

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Really, Liam? Really?

EEEECK!

FIVE: When I think someone is in costume and -ooops! They aren’t.

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Just stand real still for a minute…

FOUR:  Any and all semblance of clowns. Dressing up like this and bugging me WILL get you punched in the face.

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This biz-nitch is going down!

Don’t think I won’t!

THREE: Any and all semblance of spiders. I hate spiders. All spiders. I do not discriminate. I don’t care if it’s sparkly black crepe paper or chocolate icing perched on a butter crème cupcake, if it’s shaped like a spider, I will stop the shit out of it!

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Who gives a mermaid flipper?

WTF IS this?

TWO: Celebrity Halloween Costume Photos. Who gives a flying rat’s ass? Not me. I can look at my WAY cooler celebrity friends on Facebook  all day long and have a fine ol’ time.

How cool are these Sexy Witches?

  

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Lord help us all!

Satanic babies? I think not!

ONE: All the people who whine and cry and scream about Halloween being Of The Devil. Puh-leeeease. If you can’t take your kid out trick-or-treatin’ in your neighborhood, then dammit! You need to move! You wanna know what’s really Of The Devil? The aptly named BLACK FRIDAY! You know, when millions of Americans lose their minds and their religion while stampeding people to death all to save $1.25 on a freakin’ muffin maker that NOBODY wants anyway! There’s your Devil right there, folks. I’m all for saving a dollar, but dang! Let’s not send the weaker shoppers to the ER!      

I’m gonna get me one of them muther-fukkin’ $2 toasters and I’ll kill you ALL to do it!

Now available at Walmart!