The Free Unsolicited Bad Advice Rolls On! ACE JONES answers DEAR ABBY: Someone has to GO! #HOLLA

DEAR ABBY: Over the past few years, as social media has become more popular, I have noticed a trend among many people. They now favor that form of communication over personal human interaction. This is especially true of my girlfriend of five years.

We have the normal relationship problems I feel could be addressed, but from the moment she gets home from work she’s in front of the computer playing Facebook games, posting status updates or messaging “friends.” She sits there for hours, lost in her virtual world. We rarely talk anymore, and when we do it turns into an argument because I’m trying to discuss what I see as a serious problem.

The Internet and social media are great tools for bringing worlds together, if they are not abused. But for many people, I think, social media is doing more harm than good. It has depersonalized human contact and has the potential to destroy relationships and isolate individuals.

I’m interested in your opinion and any advice you can give me on helping my girlfriend understand my concerns. — ALONE IN THE REAL WORLD

DEAR ABBY SAYS…

DEAR ALONE: People cannot be two places at once. When relationships aren’t nurtured, they wither. If this has been going on for an extended period, then it’s time you give your girlfriend a wake-up call: You feel abandoned. By spending more time in the virtual world than in the real one, she is neglecting her relationship with you.

Ask her if she would be willing to work on a compromise so that she spends time with you. If she can’t do that, and the Internet is giving her everything she needs, then you should find a lady who is willing to give you more of what you need, which is undivided attention.

ACE JONES SAYS…

Okay Loner, I’ve got the perfect plan for ya! Dump that bitch and find yourself a woman with some functioning brain cells! Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner! Dang, I am so good at this!

BUT, since you’re the kind of guy who writes to Dear Abby about your love life, then you might be the sensitive type so in consideration of that, here is your…

Plan B: Establish your own social media empire and out-ignore your lame ass girlfriend. This is too easy! You’re a dude, so as soon as you join Facebook, a hundred thousand girls who look like hookers will immediately try to be your friend. Sure, they’re probably just some grimy, stinkin’ low-life trying to steal your identity or get you to visit their porn site, but who cares? It’s a numbers game, right? Right! Then get yourself a Twitter account and Tweet the shit out of it. Can’t think of anything to say? Who cares? It’s just one big one-way conversation anyway! So get busy tossing up random thoughts that consist of 140 characters or less. OR you could just sit there and read funny Tweets from the Fake CNN like I do.

Okay, so next you need to start a blog where you document every word of every argument y’all have had about this issue. Because that would be some good stuff right there! Next, you should link all that shit up so your blog posts to Twitter and your Twitter to Facebook. Now, that one step could very well solve all of your problems because depending on how old you are, you could die of old age before you get all that crap figured out.

At any rate, I feel compelled to offer up a Plan C: Go, man! Get out of there! Go downtown and get a drink. Go to Hooters. Go buy an xBox (that’ll burn her ass up -I promise). Go crazy and kick her to the curb (wait, that’s Plan A). Go get laid (oh, I should not have said that but, I did… so there it is).

Whatever you decide to do, just be sure not to keep sitting there like a knot on a log! And don’t waste your time arguing unless you need it for your new blog! Hehe! Get out have some some fun! Who knows, you might run across a nice girl who thinks life is grand without a cell phone mounted to her face. Problem solved! Holla!

ACE JONES ANSWERS wait a minute, I’ll think I’ll let DEAR ABBY handle this one…

SON EXPERIENCING PUBERTY NEEDS A WORD TO THE WISE

Dear Abby: I’m a single mother of two amazing boys, 16 and 12. While my older son has been private about coming into puberty, my younger son is very open about it, and we have had many conversations about it. Abby, I’ll be honest. The subject makes me uncomfortable.

Last night I walked into my 12-year-old’s room and interrupted him pleasuring himself. I was shocked, and I started to laugh because I was embarrassed. I did tell him he needed to be more private about his curiosity, to close the door and have a blanket over himself. But I was laughing when I was talking to him and literally could not stop.

I’m unsure what is the right course of action at this point. Where do I go from here? — EMBARRASSED MOM

DEAR ABBY SAYS…

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Masturbation is natural. Every healthy, normal person has done it. It is not depraved, a crime or harmful to one’s health.

Your son is now at an age when it is appropriate for Mom to knock before entering his room out of respect for his privacy. So: Apologize to your son for laughing. Explain that it was because you were embarrassed.

If your children’s father is in the picture (or another male relative), a man-to-man talk about this could be helpful. If there isn’t one, consult your sons’ pediatrician for suggestions on how to discuss sexuality with both of your boys. If you haven’t already done so, the time has arrived.

ACE JONES SAYS…

PASS!!! Thank goodness for Dear Abby!

 

ACE JONES ANSWERS DEAR ABBY: Somebody get this man a ‘nanner for his pants! #HOLLA

DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my wife had an affair with one of the instructors at a training seminar. We are working to repair our marriage and are making great strides. She says there’s nothing else going on now.

My wife has been invited to a graduation ceremony where she is to receive an award from the same instructor. This will be the first time I meet this person, and I have mixed feelings about it. How should I approach this meeting? — MIXED FEELINGS IN MISSOURI

Dear Abby says…

DEAR MIXED FEELINGS: Do it with cool civility, complete sobriety and as little contact as possible.

Ace Jones says…

DEAR MFer, Are you kidding me? First of all, I was thinking your wife might say something like, “I’ll take that award by mail/messenger envelope, please.” Or you might say something like, “Hell will freeze over before I show up like a pussy-willow and make nice with a sleaze bag who snaked my wife.” But seeing as how that’s not the case and you’re obviously a very mature feller (or something) who plans to attend this function, well, here’s what I suggest…

The day before the meeting you need to drop by your local produce stand and buy the biggest, firmest banana you can find along with two plump fuzzy peaches. On the day of, excuse yourself to the men’s room and load up your whitey-tighties just before you come face-to-face with El Workplace Casanova. When you’re introduced, shake his hand and be sure to smile real big while you grab that ‘nanner with your other hand and whisper something along the lines of, “Why don’t you kiss deez nuts!” Then wink at him and walk away. Now, if you don’t have time to fool with the fruit basket or if you wear boxers and don’t want peaches rolling down your pant legs, then you could always sneak up on him in the rest room and hit him with a haymaker. Right in the banana.

Today is the day! ACE JONES: MAD FAT ADVENTURES IN THERAPY now available for only $1.99

At the end of Happily Ever Madder, Ace Jones has packed her bags and hit the long road back to Bugtussle, Mississippi. With her dream life smoldering in Pelican Cove, Ace’s tolerance for idiots is at an all-time low and she soon finds herself sitting in a Lee County courtroom. Facing possible jail time, Ace knows she needs to change her ways. Her two best friends, Lilly and Chloe, have become concerned about Ace’s sanity and blind side her with an intervention. Desperate for a little peace of mind, Ace reluctantly embarks on a hysterical journey through the wide world of mental health.

Get this Li’L Mad Fat Shorty today! Click to buy for Kindle, Nook, Kobo, Sony ebookstore, or Apple iBookstore.

No ereader? No problem! You can download iBooks on your iPhone (search iBooks in App Store or click here). Android has the Aldiko eBook Reader App (search Aldiko in App Store or click here).

Don’t like to read on your phone? Me either! So here are some links to FREE downloads for ebookstores on your tablet, PC, or Mac!

Kindle for PC

Kindle for Mac

Nook for PC

Nook for Mac

Kobo

Sony 

Apple

Thanks so much! I hope you laugh yourself silly!

Big day tomorrow! ACE JONES: MAD FAT ADVENTURES IN THERAPY will be on ebook shelves all over the world for the low price of $1.99! #HOLLA

Tomorrow is a big day and I’m beside myself excited. Why? Because it’s the publication date for my first Penguin Special ebook novella -which I have unofficially and very affectionately classified as my Li’l Mad Fat Shorty:

ACE JONES: MAD FAT ADVENTURES IN THERAPY  (only $1.99!)

I had a blast writing this little story and to be perfectly honest, it’s freakin’ hilarious! I know, I know. I’m much too modest (hehe!) but what can I say… I love this little book and not just because it contains one of the funniest scenes I’ve ever written. Yes, I am serious!

So what’s it about? Well before I tell you that, let me tell you that there were quite a few people who, after reading Happily Ever Madder, had quite a bit to say about the ending. Folks were calling to cuss me out, others demanded six to ten pages of hand-written answers to the pressing “What happens?” question. One morning, I opened my front door to find a small mob wielding various freshly sharpened gardening tools. I was scared! Okay, maybe not all of that is true (or none of it), but I do know several people who need to know what happened! So this little project is kind of a peace-offering for those wonderful beautiful awesomely terrific people who can’t wait until July when Down & Out in Bugtussle comes out.

Okay, so here’s the official low-down on Ace Jones: Mad Fat Adventures in Therapy. I hope you love it!

Back in Bugtussle, Mississippi, after her relationship with her ex-fiancé has fallen apart, Ace Jones is naturally depressed. What’s worse is that every time she leaves the house, she winds up in some kind of altercation. She can’t help but wonder if she’s an idiot magnet, or if she’s the smart-mouth stirring things up. Hoping for a little peace of mind, Ace gives in to the advice of her best friend and goes to see a therapist. But she quickly discovers that the road to nirvana isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. And as Ace goes from one therapeutic misadventure to another, the plus-sized spitfire becomes more determined than ever to find enlightenment—even if it means bending herself into a pretzel to do it.

Coming July 2, 2013!

Book Tour Dates here

ACE JONES ANSWERS DEAR ABBY COLUMN: Somebody get this woman some boxing gloves!

NEW WIFE’S SHORT LEASH KEEPS DAD AWAY FROM HIS YOUNG SON

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I divorced a year ago. We share a 4-year-old son and have a cordial relationship. Shortly after our divorce, he married a woman he had been carrying on an affair with while married to me. Since their wedding she has not allowed him to enter my home beyond the front door, be alone with me for any reason regardless of what we need to discuss, and he rarely calls to talk with our son anymore — all at her “request.”

He has also informed me that she’s “not comfortable” with the idea of us communicating unless she is part of the conversation. I think she is being silly and immature, and he claims to agree, but he wants to keep the peace.

I explained to him that even though he may allow her to dictate his life, she will not be dictating mine. If I feel I need to speak with him about something, I do not have to include her. Am I wrong? I am in no way trying to cause a problem in their marriage. I have decided that whatever answer you give I will abide by as I respect your opinion greatly. — NEEDS AN ANSWER IN TEXAS

Dear Abby says…

DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: The current “Mrs.” is acting more like a jailer than a wife, but then, she knows what your ex is capable of if he gets past the front door or has private conversations with another woman.

This is happening because she perceives you as still a threat. That your former husband allows her to exert this amount of control is unfortunate. The distancing from his son is happening because he is permitting it, and the loser here is the little boy.

ACE JONES says…

DEAR NEEDS SOME BOXING GLOVES, You don’t need an answer, you need some Everlast Women’s Pro Style Antimicrobial Poly Training Gloves and preferably the nice pink pair pictured here…

Because somebody needs to punch this goofy bitch in the face and that somebody needs to be you. I mean, is the “replacement wife” even over the age of thirteen? Because this sounds like some straight-up seventh grade bullshit drama. But here’s the good news: If it’s drama she wants, then I say you give it to her front, center, and right in the mouth with your new pink boxing gloves. Take your son who, thank goodness, is so young maybe he won’t even remember what will certainly be his daddy’s short-lived marriage to an idiotic psycho- okay, I forgot what I was saying… Oh yeah! Take that precious boy to his granny’s house, drive over to their place, slip on those gloves, walk in that door, and hit that chick with a haymaker to the face. Just pop! pop! pop! that mouth of hers as many times as you like. While you’re at it, tell her that if she wants to be included in every conversation with you and your little man’s dad, then this is how you intend to start each and every one. Then blow the smoke off your gloves and walk away.

Sounds to me like it won’t matter too much if your husband is home or not since he has obviously chopped off his own balls and turned them over to her. But if he is there, you need get in his face and tell him that he can’t raise a man if he ain’t a man. Cause that’s the damn truth and we all know it! Then look at his new bride and ask him if that raunchy heifer was worth it. Ten bucks says she wasn’t.

When you get that handled and get out of there and get all calmed down, then go pick up your son and take him to get some ice cream. God bless his soul if his daddy won’t wise up. Surely he will. But you keep those gloves handy just in case. Best of luck to ya, sister!

ACE JONES ANSWERS DEAR ABBY: Somebody get this woman a disco ball! #HOLLA

The question is…

DEAR ABBY: I have been in assisted living for seven years. There are times when it can be lonely and boring. I’d like to meet some men for companionship, conversation and perhaps romance. The men here act so much older than me. They don’t start conversations. They stay in their rooms and watch TV and don’t seem interested in conversations. It’s hard because my memory isn’t what it used to be, but I do remember how nice it was to have male companionship. Do you have any ideas to make my life a little more interesting? — LONELY WOMAN

ABBY SAYS…

DEAR LONELY: Start by making sure you participate in all the activities your assisted-living facility offers. Shared mealtimes and holiday celebrations also present opportunities to mingle.

The trick is to find something you have in common with these men — sports, games, music, movies. Because long-term memory outlasts short-term memory, some of them might find it easier to discuss their youth than the present.

Encourage your caregiver, Kate, to take you places where you can meet other seniors. And while you’re at it, why not invite some of the men to join you both during your Dear Abby sessions? It’s a way to draw people out and get to know them better.

ACE SAYS…

Hey you SASSY SENIOR, all that advice from Dear Abby sounds great, but I have one additional idea: You need a boom box! And along with that boom box, you will need (at least) the following cassette tape hit singles:

Cassette Single Must Have #1: Tootsie Roll by 69 Boyz

Sassy, I don’t know what you’ve been told, but you need to let that Tootsie Roll! This song comes complete with built-in lyrics for calisthenics:

To the left, to the left, to the right, to the right
To the front, to the front, to the back, to the back
Now slide, slide baby slide, just slide baby slide
Dip baby just dip, baby dip baby dip

See what I mean? Cotton Candy sweet and low, those old fellers will love to see your tootsie roll!

Cassette Single Must Have #2: Whoop! There it is! by Tag Team

There’s a party over here! A party over there!  Wave your hands in the air and shake your deriere! These three words mean you’re gettin’ busy:   Whoomp! There it is! Whoomp! There it is!

Whoomp chak a laka chack a laka chak a laka chak a laka chaka! This is gonna get things crack-a-lackin’! Can you dig it? Yeah, you can dig it!

 Cassette Single Must Have #3: Rumpshaker by Wrecks-N-Effect

Because sometimes all you wanna do is zooma zoom zoom zoom in a zoom zoom. And just shake your rump!

AND… Super big bonus for the party people who don’t dance: These songs make for great sing-alongs! So tell your family and friends to skip the lame birthday gifts this year and send you a disco ball instead! And some Marvin Gaye and Barry White tunes ’cause this plan is gonna work! Okay? Okay! Now Sassy, go get your high-roller ballin’-outta-control-top granny panties on and get that party started! Holla!

So today I was a porch guest at the Southern Belle View….

Y’all know I’m always on here writing all kinds of crazy stuff so it might surprise you to know that every now and then -and by every now and then, I mean about once every two or three years- I write about something serious. Well, fellers, I’ve done it again but please don’t ask me when the last time was because I do not recollect.

So I was hanging out at the Orlando Book Festival last month, when I had the pleasure of meeting Southern Belle View Sweetie Rachel Hauck. (Check her out here: http://rachelhauck.com) She invited me to be a guest on the porch and I quickly accepted because, to be perfectly honest, I was flattered that she even knew who I was. So after taking a look at what they do over on the Southern Belle View, I knew I should be on my best behavior. With that in mind, I washed my mouth out with soap, sat down at my computer, and got busy trying real hard to think up something decent to say so as not to embarrass myself. Sadly, I couldn’t come up with anything. Then, out of the blue, my Uncle Mike (that’s Dr. Michael Raines of the University of Mississippi – and I’m not bragging now, I’m just stating the facts) sent me a picture of my aunt Brenda, who we nearly lost earlier this year, and I knew then what to write. As you can see from this photograph of her strumming a giant guitar that most likely belonged to Elvis but is now a magnificent work of art in downtown Tupelo, Mississippi, she’s doing just fine now. So here it is, y’all. My serious blog about someone I dearly love:

http://www.southernbelleviewdaily.com/welcome-guest-belle-the-lovely-stephanie-mcafee/

ACE JONES ANSWERS DEAR ABBY COLUMN: The best unsolicted bad advice you’ll hear all day! Now pass the Preparation H!

TECHNICALLY, THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!

DEAR ABBY: What is the protocol for in-person conversations vs. phone interruptions (either via text or call)? When talking with someone, I feel it’s rude for the other individual to respond to voice or text messages. Can’t people take a break long enough to actually have a real live conversation? How do other readers handle this? Do they walk away? Patiently wait? Or speak up? — TECHNOLOGICALLY OVERLOADED IN VIRGINIA

ABBY SAYS…

DEAR OVERLOADED: The best approach is the direct approach. Tell the person, “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

ACE JONES SAYS…

Dear TECH-O LOAD, I agree that the best approach is a direct approach, however, I’m more in favor of saying something like, “Hey, a–hole! Get your electronic hemorrhoid out of my face. It’s uncivilized!” If the phone disappears, then you can go on and enjoy what will most certainly be a pleasant and productive conversation.  If the phone doesn’t disappear, then I suggest you go to Plan B (this one guarentees immediate results): Grab that phone and throw it as far as you can in any direction you want. Toss it into a pond! Down an elevator shaft! Out an open window or against a closed door! Then act like nothing happened and finish whatever it was you were trying to say. And kudos to you for not puttin’ up with that crap. Best of luck to ya, Tech-O!

What is this? Could it be another Mad Fat V.I.P. Guest Blog? Yes! It is! Introducing the amazing, the wonderful, the incredibly funny……

SIR EDMUND MCCOMBS! (yes, I did add the the “Sir” myself) 

He’s hilarious! He’s candid! He’s a real-life alive-and-well Australian-habitating male version of Ace Jones! Someone get me a kangaroo and a boomerang because Edmund McCombs has arrived on the scene!

So without further ado, may I present Sir Edmund…

We all have those moments. Those awkward, inappropriate, foot-stuck-in-mouth moments that make us want to crawl in a hole and disappear. It doesn’t matter if you’re down and out in Bugtussle or stumbling over your inappropriateness at a dinner table full of people – sometimes, we all just get stuck.

That’s where I come in. My name is Edmund and the talented Stephanie McAfee has been kind enough to allow me to write a guest blog for her site in order to promote my first ever book, “stuck.at.seven [while awkwardly aiming for ten]”.

Running the gamut of themes from growing up white trash in the non-fancy side of Florida to fumbling through cultural mishaps while living/traveling abroad to the undeniable pains and awkward coping mechanisms that arise from school yard bullying and beyond, this book unabashedly covers my most cringe worthy moments in a funny yet intimately relatable tone.

While the stories in the book are about me and my mishap-filled perspectives, the universal topics of growing up ugly, passive aggressively loathing an evil boss and, as a child, discovering that your favorite Disney classic has been taped over with midget-infused adult entertainment, really resonate to the wider audience.

With wide eyes and sharp wit, I spill my inner most insecurities, all the while providing jaw dropping shock and a smidgen of “oh-no-he-didn’t-just-go-there” awe with the hopes of bringing you some of the best laugh-out-loud moments you’ve had from a non-fiction book.

To take a look at the book, please click here or feel free to visit my website, www.stuckatseven.com for some more insight into my inappropriate journey.

-Edmund

On Twitter! @stuckatseven
On Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/#!/stuckatseven