HELLO ALL! THIS IS ACE JONES REPORTING LIVE FROM THE FRONT LINES:
It’s MAD FAT BLACK FRIDAY and I’ve gone COO-COO for COCO PUFFS cause that’s the only thing left on the shelf at WalMart! I don’t know how much farther I can make it, but I MUST go ON because BLACK FRIDAY only comes once a year! I need some rest because I’ve been power shopping like hell since 7pm Thanksgiving Day! I know most stores didn’t open until 10pm, but I couldn’t wait for MAD BLACK FRIDAY to start so I made a mad run through every gas station that was open from Bugtussle to Tupelo just to see if anything like a red plastic rose or a baby bottle sucker pop was on sale. No such luck. Guess I’ll be paying full price for those…
I’ve had a ridiculously exhausting week trying to get ready for Black Friday. I couldn’t figure out what store would have the best deals on all the stuff on my shopping list that I don’t need, so after wearing the ink off all my sale papers, I went to Walmart Monday night and set up a tent. I had to leave there when a 75 year old lady punched me in the face, took over my tent, and told security I was a bomb. They believed her, so after I posted bail, I went straight to Best Buy and slept on the sidewalk but left there first thing Tuesday morning when the woman who slept in line behind me said that Home Depot would be paying people to haul stuff out of their store.
When I got to Home Depot, I found out that wasn’t true and, in a mad fit of what could only be described as retail-iation, I barked a tire out of there and went straight to Lowe’s where I slept on a riding lawn mower Tuesday night. Wednesday morning when I woke up, there were some people looking at grills and I thought I heard them say that JC Penny was going to open up at 8pm on Thanksgiving, so I got in my car and sped over there only to discover that I had obviously misunderstood what had been said.
In a full state of panic, I started driving 75 mph around and around the mall parking lot freaking out because I didn’t know where to go next. I saw a line forming at Toys-R-Us so I left my car running at the intersection and ran as fast as I could to get in line and stood there for six hours before I remembered I didn’t have kids. When I picked my car up from the impound lot, I drove straight to Sears to see what was up. I was thinking that since it was the night before Thanksgiving, people might be home fixing dressing or making sausage balls or otherwise preparing to spend the following day with family and friends, but I was wrong. I drove past three fist fights and a woman beating a garbage can with her purse and decided I wasn’t hard core enough for that crowd. I went back to Best Buy and the line was wound around the building and people were backed-up into the four lane. I saw that bitch that told me the Home Depot story and gave her the finger and she pulled out a gun, so I mashed on the gas and got out of there because I don’t even remember what I didn’t need from there to start with.
I drove next door to Ashley Furniture and decided to camp out there for the night because the people didn’t look quite so vicious. The next morning, a nice lady in the car next to me went to get us some coffee and never came back. I was deeply concerned about her getting stampeded at McDonalds when I realized my car was about to run out of gas and if I wanted to make it through this, then I would have to forget her, leave the parking lot, and go fill up with gas.
When I finally found a gas station that was open on Thanksgiving, I coasted in on fumes and was about to fall asleep at the pump when a woman pulled up beside me in a mini-van packed so full of junk, she had to stick her head out the window to drive. She pulled up beside me and hollered, “GAS IS ONLY $2.99 IN NEW ALBANY! WHY ARE YOU PAYING $3.13 FOR IT HERE? ARE YOU STUPID?” I was pissed off already because it was almost noon on Thanksgiving and I hadn’t found myself a good line to stand in yet so I yelled back, “Hey Shit-for-Brains, New Albany is 24 miles from here and I don’t have time to drive 48 miles just to save fourteen damn cents on some gasoline so get your Elly May Clampett looking ass outta here before I swing open the door of your mini-van and all that shit falls out and kills us ALL!” She called me an effin’ moron and peeled out of there, merged into oncoming traffic, and caused a sixteen car pileup.
Exhausted and hungry, I had no choice but to go home and fix myself some Easy Mac and take a nap. I woke up at 6pm, took a shower and hit the road. That’s when I decided to stop at all the gas stations that were open and see if any red plastic roses or baby bottle sucker pops were on sale.
So now I’ve been shopping for sixteen hours straight and the Starbuck’s quadruple espressos aren’t doing the trick anymore, so I’ve started drinking diesel fuel. I just decided to abandon my cart full of Co-Co Puffs even though they are only five cents a box and fight my way out the door because I heard that a mob had looted the Krispy Kreme and I gotta go get some damned doughnuts!
Much love to my fellow Fat Girls and all you G.I. Joe Para-Shoppers! Have a great Mad Fat Black Friday (what’s left of it) and a wonderful weekend!
Vaya con Dios,
Over and OUT!!