MAD FAT BLACK FRIDAY – Somebody come help me! #blackfridaymadness

HELLO ALL! THIS IS ACE JONES REPORTING LIVE FROM THE FRONT LINES:

It’s MAD FAT BLACK FRIDAY and I’ve gone COO-COO for COCO PUFFS cause that’s the only thing left on the shelf at WalMart! I don’t know how much farther I can make it, but I MUST go ON because BLACK FRIDAY only comes once a year! I need some rest because I’ve been power shopping like hell since 7pm Thanksgiving Day! I know most stores didn’t open until 10pm, but I couldn’t wait for MAD BLACK FRIDAY to start so I made a mad run through every gas station that was open from Bugtussle to Tupelo just to see if anything like a red plastic rose or a baby bottle sucker pop was on sale. No such luck. Guess I’ll be paying full price for those…

I’ve had a ridiculously exhausting week trying to get ready for Black Friday. I couldn’t figure out what store would have the best deals on all the stuff on my shopping list that I don’t need, so after wearing the ink off all my sale papers, I went to Walmart Monday night and set up a tent. I had to leave there when a 75 year old lady punched me in the face, took over my tent, and told security I was a bomb. They believed her, so after I posted bail, I went straight to Best Buy and slept on the sidewalk but left there first thing Tuesday morning when the woman who slept in line behind me said that Home Depot would be paying people to haul stuff out of their store.

When I got to Home Depot, I found out that wasn’t true and, in a mad fit of what could only be described as retail-iation, I barked a tire out of there and went straight to Lowe’s where I slept on a riding lawn mower Tuesday night. Wednesday morning when I woke up, there were some people looking at grills and I thought I heard them say that JC Penny was going to open up at 8pm on Thanksgiving, so I got in my car and sped over there only to discover that I had obviously misunderstood what had been said.

In a full state of panic, I started driving 75 mph around and around the mall parking lot freaking out because I didn’t know where to go next. I saw a line forming at Toys-R-Us so I left my car running at the intersection and ran as fast as I could to get in line and stood there for six hours before I remembered I didn’t have kids. When I picked my car up from the impound lot, I drove straight to Sears to see what was up. I was thinking that since it was the night before Thanksgiving, people might be home fixing dressing or making sausage balls or otherwise preparing to spend the following day with family and friends, but I was wrong. I drove past three fist fights and a woman beating a garbage can with her purse and decided I wasn’t hard core enough for that crowd. I went back to Best Buy and the line was wound around the building and people were backed-up into the four lane. I saw that bitch that told me the Home Depot story and gave her the finger and she pulled out a gun, so I mashed on the gas and got out of there because I don’t even remember what I didn’t need from there to start with.

I drove next door to Ashley Furniture and decided to camp out there for the night because the people didn’t look quite so vicious. The next morning, a nice lady in the car next to me went to get us some coffee and never came back. I was deeply concerned about her getting stampeded at McDonalds when I realized my car was about to run out of gas and if I wanted to make it through this, then I would have to forget her, leave the parking lot, and go fill up with gas.

When I finally found a gas station that was open on Thanksgiving, I coasted in on fumes and was about to fall asleep at the pump when a woman pulled up beside me in a mini-van packed so full of junk, she had to stick her head out the window to drive. She pulled up beside me and hollered, “GAS IS ONLY $2.99 IN NEW ALBANY!  WHY ARE YOU PAYING $3.13 FOR IT HERE? ARE YOU STUPID?” I was pissed off already because it was almost noon on Thanksgiving and I hadn’t found myself a good line to stand in yet so I yelled back, “Hey Shit-for-Brains, New Albany is 24 miles from here and I don’t have time to drive 48 miles just to save fourteen damn cents on some gasoline so get your Elly May Clampett looking ass outta here before I swing open the door of your mini-van and all that shit falls out and kills us ALL!” She called me an effin’ moron and peeled out of there, merged into oncoming traffic, and caused a sixteen car pileup. 

Exhausted and hungry, I had no choice but to go home and fix myself some Easy Mac and take a nap. I woke up at 6pm, took a shower and hit the road. That’s when I decided to stop at all the gas stations that were open and see if any red plastic roses or baby bottle sucker pops were on sale.

So now I’ve been shopping for sixteen hours straight and the Starbuck’s quadruple espressos aren’t doing the trick anymore, so I’ve started drinking diesel fuel. I just decided to abandon my cart full of Co-Co Puffs even though they are only five cents a box and fight my way out the door because I heard that a mob had looted the Krispy Kreme and I gotta go get some damned doughnuts!

Much love to my fellow Fat Girls and all you G.I. Joe Para-Shoppers! Have a great Mad Fat Black Friday (what’s left of it) and a wonderful weekend!

Vaya con Dios,

ACE JONES

Over and OUT!!

It’s Mad Fat Friday! Let’s go burn some more taters! by Ace Jones ( #lowfatliving is hard on a #fatgirl with #fatgirlprobz )

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

So what am I mad about today? Well, I’ll just tell you! Today I’m mad because I can’t afford a personal chef. Why? Well, for starters, because I would like to get my paws on some low-fat, heart-healthy, good-fer-ye food that doesn’t taste like a bucket o’ ass with a side of raw soy beans, that’s why!

Let me just go on and tell you what I’ve done. I went out and bought myself a Weight Watchers cookbook. I know you’re sitting there thinking, “Oh! No! You didn’t!” to which I must say, “Oh, yes! I did!” Why? Because as much as I love being fat and enjoy shopping “exclusively” online for plus sizes, I would like to live to a ripe old age and not deprive the world of my comic genius before it’s my time to go. So I decided to try and get healthy. For a minute. And after googling things like capers, gruyere, and cremini, I made myself a shopping list and off to Wal-Mart I went.

Now the first thing you need to know about this venture is that it’s been time-consuming from the word GO. I mean, aside from all the research I had to do on certain ingredients and putting together a 6 page shopping list, the actual shopping itself took me nearly three hours. I’m sorry, but shopping for frozen pizza and taco fixins is just a whole lot easier, not to mention a lot quicker.  SO, after inspecting each individual item on both sides of each individual aisle from the front to the back of the store, I still left without the capers and gruyere cheese. But that’s beside the point, really, because the point is that I averaged spending a hundred dollars an hour on my shopping trip and then it took an additional two hours to haul all of that mess out of the buggy, into my car, back out of my car, and into my house. Then I had to put it all away! I was like SHIT! I haven’t even got to the cooking part yet!

 So the first thing I tried was the spinach quiche. Not that I like spinach. I don’t. But I have managed to choke a little spinach dip down every now and then, so I thought I’d give it a try in some egg pie. Well, I got everything all mixed up and got my pie crust nice and toasty, then when I put the spinach into the pie crust, I thought to myself, “Now that’s a crap load of spinach!” But I was determined to stick to the recipe so I poured my egg-white and weird cheese mixture over the top and, to be perfectly honest, well- that pie crust was a bit too full. I took a fork and poked around a bit, trying to separate those gargantuan lumps of green and  slung a little of the filling out on the stove top, then slung a little more out in the oven when I stuck it in there. It was a fine mess. Took me an hour to clean up but that was okay, because as it turns out, I had an hour.

After fifteen minutes, I looked in on my creation and it looked like grass soup. Upon rereading the directions, I discovered that the quiche was to cook fifteen minutes at one temperature, then twenty to a hundred minutes at a another. So, an hour later, I pulled my spinach quiche out of the oven and, when it cooled down, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, it was no gravy and biscuit, but it was okay. And I spent ten times more money on it that I would have a breakfast sandwich from Burger King and would’ve had two hours to spare, but who cares, right? Healthy living. Dishes be damned!

So, that’s when I thought about the personal chef. But I didn’t get mad. Not at that point. That was Monday morning.

I worked my ass off in the kitchen Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I’m pretty sure  I chopped more vegetables this week than the Jolly Green Giant’s red-headed step-child, but I didn’t get mad and have a breakdown until last night when I (yet again) failed to fully read the cooking instructions. 

Long story short, after my requisite hour of chopping and mixing, I popped a beautiful batch of scalloped potatoes in the oven. I was excited about having potatoes even if they were red. Imagine my surprise forty-five minutes later when I peeled back that aluminum foil, forked a sample, and found it to be as raw as the day it was plucked from the ground. I looked over at my meatballs which were getting cold fast and I got a little pissed off. I turned the oven on super broil or whatever that setting is really called and I cooked the shit out of those potatoes. Thirty minutes later, I was chomping on low-fat meatballs and super crispy, slightly blackened scalloped potatoes.

It was after I finished that fat-forsaken dinner and cleaned up that massive stack of dishes that I completely lost my mind. You know how right at bedtime, you get ravenously hungry and want to eat six hundred Ritz crackers with cheese, butter, peanut butter, and/or all of the above. Well, I was having one of those moments and, as if possessed by the devil himself, I went to the pantry and dug around until I found my stash of left-over Valentine M&Ms. I was on my third pack when my dog ran up behind me and barked, scaring the crap out of me and causing me to toss my little candy coated chips of chocolate goodness all over the kitchen. It was a mad scramble between me and Buster Loo to see who would pick up the most pieces the fastest. After that, I put the other five bags of candy back in the pantry and went to bed. Defeated.

So this morning, I woke up and got back on the war path. I tried to cook some kind of weird omelet, made a horrible mess and ended up in the drive-thru at McDonald’s. Which is where I was when I decided that I need a personal chef and got mad as hell because I knew I could never afford one.

Which sucks.

Cause this low-fat cooking ain’t for me.

So needless to say, I’m having big ole meaty cheese pizza delivered to my front door tonight and I’m not messing up my kitchen for the rest of the weekend. I’ll give that healthy cooking another try on Monday. Not because I want to, but because I’ve got somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 worth of groceries sitting in there that I can’t use for anything else.

Dang it!

So that’s it for my adventures in healthy cooking! I think I’ll go design my very own demotivational FAIL poster now!  

May you all have a Happy Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend that I hope is blissfully free of dirty dishes and complicated recipes!

 Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones #FatGirlProbz

Hello everyone, this is Ace Jones coming at you live and in person on this first Mad Fat Friday of 2012. And what a Mad Fat Friday, it has been. Whew!

Ok, so I realize I’m few hours behind when I usually post my weekly words of wisdom and comic genius also known as Mad Fat Friday, but let me assure you that there is a good reason for that. Wanna hear it? Ok, if you insist:

It all started this morning when I woke up in what can only be described as Crazy-as-Hell mode. My Christmas break isn’t over yet and I don’t have to be at work until Monday, so I guess I just got bored. I don’t know. I’m not sure what happened. Maybe it was that sixteen cups of coffee I made with my new Keurig one-cup coffee maker that I got for Christmas. On a side note, I’m pretty sure I’ll be in caffeine rehab by President’s Day because I can’t stop making coffee with that thing because doing so is just so freakin’ cool I can’t stand Kim Kardashian. Wait, my coffee maker might not have anything to do with that. At any rate, as I was on my way to town in search of some K-cups on clearance, I got sidetracked. By a billboard. Telling me to turn into the gym.

I don’t know what came over me, but when I read the words “Change your body today!” followed by “First month free” I lost my damn mind. I turned into that gym parking lot on two wheels and skidded to a stop in a parking place six miles from the door. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a bargain.  Walking up to the door, I kept asking myself what I was doing and the words kept ringing over and over in my  head like that “Who Let The Dawgs Out” song usually does: “Change your body today! First month free!”

The marketing strategy was just too much for me and, against my better judgment I walked into that gym and wrote a check to a fellow with no hair on his arms or legs. Then I went and got on the treadmill. And y’all know the ones I like. Those way back in the back. Far far away from the gym rat regulars.

And that’s where the trouble began. With the gym rat regulars.  I was walking along, huffing and puffing at 2.3 mph, when, all of a sudden, all that coffee started knocking on my bladder and I had to go. I hustled off the treadmill and back to the women’s room, where, after relieving myself, I sat down on a bench in the locker room to rest for a minute. I was just starting to wonder why I had to write a check if the first month was free when I overheard the following conversation:

“Oh my gosh, Dee Dee, can you believe how many people are in the gym today?”

“I know, Kay Kay, all of these fat people are disgusting.”

“I’ll be glad when February gets here and they all quit!”

Laughing, Dee Dee and Kay Kay round the corner and see me. They gasp and cover their mouth. Then the really ugly one who I was about to discover was Kay Kay started giggling and said, “Doesn’t look like this one is going to last that long.” And they both started sniggering and turned to walk away.

So I said, “Hey, bitch! I may have a muffin top spilling over my britches, but you’ve got the face of a California Condor and nothing short of a hundred thousand dollars’ worth of facial reconstruction can fix that shit.”

“Oh no, the Fat Girl did not just say that!” the other girl said. By process of elimination, I figured she must be Dee Dee.

“Oh, but I think the Fat Girl did!” I said and smiled at Dee Dee.  “And you might want to think about getting those ears tacked back so you don’t walk around here looking like Bat Wing Duck is your daddy.”

Dee Dee gasped again and Kay Kay hissed, “You’re just mad because you’re fat!”

“Or maybe I’m mad because you’re stupid,” I told her.

Then they jumped on me like two monkeys on a banana tree and we had a fist fight that rolled out into the gym and the man with no hair on his arms and one more hairless fellow that looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger separated us and they all started yelling at me and some fat man jumped off of his stationary bike and punched Arnold in the face and knocked him down then all the fat people and fit people ran up to the fray and we had a brawl worthy of a bar scene in the Dukes of Hazzard!

So… after we all got out of jail, the skinny people loaded up and went to Jamba Juice and the fat people headed straight to Buffalo Wild Wings and I just got back home.

Unbelievable, right? I know. I thought the same thing.

THE FINAL MAD FAT FRIDAY OF 2011 by Ace Jones #fatgirlquote #fatgirlprobz #newyearsresolutions

OH-M-GEE!! Is it really the final Mad Fat Friday of 2011? Well, that can only mean one thing! It’s time for The Official Ace Jones New Year’s Complete and Total Bullshit Resolution List!!

 Yay!

 Ok, here goes:

1) Get up at 5am seven days a week and exercise vigorously

2) Eat 5 to 7 servings of fruits and veggies every day

3) NO pizza, cheeseburgers, or hot wings

4) Lose 30 pounds before Spring Break

5) Stop gettin’ drunker than Cooter Brown

6) Quit cussin’ like a sailor

7) Be nice to everyone

8) Keep my closets clean and organized

9) NO gossiping behind my co-workers back

10) Discontinue plotting the accidental death of my boss

 I used to think if I could somehow magically adhere to these lofty expectations for myself, the quality of my life would drastically and fantastically improve. Then one day (probably in early January) I realized that trying to live like that brings me about as much happiness and fulfillment as, say, living in the 17^th ring of hot, fiery carb-free hell. But it’s still fun to make out my annual bull-nards list. Cause I just laugh and laugh and then I spend a few minutes marveling at the personal progress I’ve made by realizing that just ain’t who I am. Never has been. Never will be.  And that’s a-ok!

So now I’d like to share with you The Official Ace Jones New Year’s Real Fer Shizzle Dizzle Deal Resolution List:

1)    Be fat

2)   Be fabulous

3)   Be mad

4)   Be marvelous

5)   Be good to myself

6)   Be glamorous

7)   Have a drink or six as needed

8)    Do what needs to be done the right way

9)   Respect people who deserve it and tell everyone else to KMFA

10) Remember that speaking the truth is NOT gossiping!

So there you have it!  The Mad Fat road to happiness!

Happy New Year’s to all of my fellow Fat Girls, all of you Skinny Girls who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested! And if any of y’all get the hankering to go on a diet, fine. Have at it. You wanna start a new exercise plan? Go for it! I won’t be mad at ya! Just promise me that you whatever you decide to do, you’ll do it because you LOVE LOVE LOVE your wonderful self and not for any other reason WHATSOEVER!!

Peace Out My Fat Sistas!

Ace Jones

 

 

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas as told by Ace Jones for this Mad Fat Friday Christmas Special #HillbillyHoliday #RedneckChristmasPoem

‘Twas the night before Christmas, I was leaving my house
Headed down to the bar to get drunk as a louse,
My control top stockings I’d rolled on with care,
My make-up was done up and so was my hair. 

My friends were all nestled on the cushy bar stools,
We started drinking and acting like fools,
Kentucky straight bourbon, hot butterscotch schnapps,
Shots of tequila, we just couldn’t stop!

We took to the dance floor and caused such a clatter,
Everyone turned around to see what was the matter.
Away to the juke box, I flew like a flash,
Tore open my wallet, and pulled out some cash.

I punched in the numbers to play Motley Crue,
I got buck wild and my girlfriends did too,
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Big Sexy Fat Boy with an icy cold beer. 
 

He stepped up to bustle, so lively and fun,
I found out the next moment he wasn’t alone,
More rapid than beagles, the Rednecks they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Now Billy! Now Bubba!
Now, Joe Bob and Buck !
On, Bodean ! On, Chester!
On, Cletus and Chuck!
Get out on this dance floor!
Get out here right now!
I found us some Fat Girls
And we gonna get down!

And much like the thunder that rolls through a storm,
We danced with them ‘billies until early morn,
When the bar kicked us out, we were hungry as hell,
We hopped in their Bronco bound for Taco Bell. 

 And then, in a twinkling, we ran off the road,
The Bronco flipped over because of the load,
Straight down the ditch bank, we rolled with a bound
We flattened some trees and a big grassy mound.
 
When the Bronco stopped rolling we laughed till we cried,
No one was hurt ’cause we all were so fried,
Then we heard a commotion at the top of the hill,
Down came a police man and he looked rather ill.

His eyes—they were beady! His scowl, it was crunk!
He tongue-lashed us all for being so drunk!
His hand it was resting on the butt of his gun,
He told us we looked like we’d had too much fun.
Big Bubba assured him he hadn’t gone far,
Cause he’d run off the road turning out of the bar.
We all started laughing, I was still having fun,
Until Mr. Police Man unsnapped his gun.
 
He called for back-up, said we were going to jail,
The Rednecks just laughed and said they could post bail,
He made us get out and put our hands on our head
I knew at that moment, I had much to dread.
 
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Slapping cuffs on us all and calling us jerks.
It took six police cars to haul us to jail,
But the Rednecks, as promised, they posted our bail.
 
When they turned us all loose, the cops watched us go,
In the busted-up Bronco, we drove off real slow,
And Bubba exclaimed, ‘ere we drove out of sight,
 
“Happy Christmas to y’all, and to y’all a good night!”

My Favorite Things remixed by Ace Jones for this Mad Fat Friday Holiday Special

For your holiday enjoyment….

My Favorite Things by Ace Jones

Spice cake with caramel and milk chocolate reindeer,
Super spiked eggnog and cases of cold beer,
Bowls of Ranch dressing and hot saucy wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Red velvet cupcakes and nut crusted cheese balls,
Meat Lovers Pizza and Southern Comfort 8-balls, 
Red Robin burgers and crisp onion rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Triple fudge brownies with white cream cheese frosting,
Big beefy weenies with chili cheese topping,
Christmas tree Reece’s and warm Krispy Kremes,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the job bites-
When the boss blows-
When I’m not so glad-
I simply indulge in my fav-o-rite things
And then I don’t feeeeeeeeeel sooo MAD!!

MAD FAT BLACK FRIDAY – Somebody come help me! #blackfridaymadness

HELLO ALL! THIS IS ACE JONES REPORTING LIVE FROM THE FRONT LINES:

It’s MAD FAT BLACK FRIDAY and I’ve gone COO-COO for COCO PUFFS cause that’s the only thing left on the shelf at WalMart! I don’t know how much farther I can make it, but I MUST go ON because BLACK FRIDAY only comes once a year! I need some rest because I’ve been power shopping like hell since 7pm Thanksgiving Day! I know most stores didn’t open until 10pm, but I couldn’t wait for MAD BLACK FRIDAY to start so I made a mad run through every gas station that was open from Bugtussle to Tupelo just to see if anything like a red plastic rose or a baby bottle sucker pop was on sale. No such luck. Guess I’ll be paying full price for those…

I’ve had a ridiculously exhausting week trying to get ready for Black Friday. I couldn’t figure out what store would have the best deals on all the stuff on my shopping list that I don’t need, so after wearing the ink off all my sale papers, I went to Walmart Monday night and set up a tent. I had to leave there when a 75 year old lady punched me in the face, took over my tent, and told security I was a bomb. They believed her, so after I posted bail, I went straight to Best Buy and slept on the sidewalk but left there first thing Tuesday morning when the woman who slept in line behind me said that Home Depot would be paying people to haul stuff out of their store.

When I got to Home Depot, I found out that wasn’t true and, in a mad fit of what could only be described as retail-iation, I barked a tire out of there and went straight to Lowe’s where I slept on a riding lawn mower Tuesday night. Wednesday morning when I woke up, there were some people looking at grills and I thought I heard them say that JC Penny was going to open up at 8pm on Thanksgiving, so I got in my car and sped over there only to discover that I had obviously misunderstood what had been said.

In a full state of panic, I started driving 75 mph around and around the mall parking lot freaking out because I didn’t know where to go next. I saw a line forming at Toys-R-Us so I left my car running at the intersection and ran as fast as I could to get in line and stood there for six hours before I remembered I didn’t have kids. When I picked my car up from the impound lot, I drove straight to Sears to see what was up. I was thinking that since it was the night before Thanksgiving, people might be home fixing dressing or making sausage balls or otherwise preparing to spend the following day with family and friends, but I was wrong. I drove past three fist fights and a woman beating a garbage can with her purse and decided I wasn’t hard core enough for that crowd. I went back to Best Buy and the line was wound around the building and people were backed-up into the four lane. I saw that bitch that told me the Home Depot story and gave her the finger and she pulled out a gun, so I mashed on the gas and got out of there because I don’t even remember what I didn’t need from there to start with.

I drove next door to Ashley Furniture and decided to camp out there for the night because the people didn’t look quite so vicious. The next morning, a nice lady in the car next to me went to get us some coffee and never came back. I was deeply concerned about her getting stampeded at McDonalds when I realized my car was about to run out of gas and if I wanted to make it through this, then I would have to forget her, leave the parking lot, and go fill up with gas.

When I finally found a gas station that was open on Thanksgiving, I coasted in on fumes and was about to fall asleep at the pump when a woman pulled up beside me in a mini-van packed so full of junk, she had to stick her head out the window to drive. She pulled up beside me and hollered, “GAS IS ONLY $2.99 IN NEW ALBANY!  WHY ARE YOU PAYING $3.13 FOR IT HERE? ARE YOU STUPID?” I was pissed off already because it was almost noon on Thanksgiving and I hadn’t found myself a good line to stand in yet so I yelled back, “Hey Shit-for-Brains, New Albany is 24 miles from here and I don’t have time to drive 48 miles just to save fourteen damn cents on some gasoline so get your Elly May Clampett looking ass outta here before I swing open the door of your mini-van and all that shit falls out and kills us ALL!” She called me an effin’ moron and peeled out of there, merged into oncoming traffic, and caused a sixteen car pileup. 

Exhausted and hungry, I had no choice but to go home and fix myself some Easy Mac and take a nap. I woke up at 6pm, took a shower and hit the road. That’s when I decided to stop at all the gas stations that were open and see if any red plastic roses or baby bottle sucker pops were on sale.

So now I’ve been shopping for sixteen hours straight and the Starbuck’s quadruple espressos aren’t doing the trick anymore, so I’ve started drinking diesel fuel. I just decided to abandon my cart full of Co-Co Puffs even though they are only five cents a box and fight my way out the door because I heard that a mob had looted the Krispy Kreme and I gotta go get some damned doughnuts!

Much love to my fellow Fat Girls and all you G.I. Joe Para-Shoppers! Have a great Mad Fat Black Friday (what’s left of it) and a wonderful weekend!

Vaya con Dios,

ACE JONES

Over and OUT!!

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (Yeah, I got some #fatgirlprobz but so what? I’m still a Rockstar!)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Today let’s talk about what it really means to be a Fat Girl. Whether you’re a Lifetime Fatty or New-To-This-and-True-to-This, you know all about the trials and tribulations of Being a Fat Girl. You know how frustrating it is shopping for clothes worthy of a Plump Damsel. You know how hard it is to get on a treadmill. You know how hard it is to stay on a treadmill. You know how hard it is not to turn in at Pizza Hut/McDonalds/China Buffet when you’ve had a shitty day. You know how hard it is not to turn in at Pizza Hut/McDonalds/China Buffet when you haven’t had a shitty day. I’m guessing that we’re all all too aware of the negative, so let’s shift our focus a bit and talk about what’s great about being a Fat Girl.

Yeah, I just said that. Let’s talk about what’s great about being a Fat Girl. I mean, I don’t know about you, but if Diet Fail was a company, I’d be the CEEYCGYHOO (Chief Eat Everything You Can Get Your Hands On Officer). So I’m fat. So what? I love pizza, cheeseburgers, and hot wings. The only thing I want from the salad bar is toppings for my baked potato. And I eat fried cheese sticks, fried pickles, and fried okra. Did you see Melissa McCarthy on SNL? Fat Girls like Ranch. And that’s okay. Everyone has their vices. One of my favorites just happens to come in a bottle with “Hidden Valley” printed on the front. What of it?

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/Taste-Test/1359559

Now let’s talk about cold beer. I’ve seen a lot of stupid and ridiculous things on TV, but the stupidest and most ridiculous thing I have ever seen is those beer commercials that associate beer drinking and exercise. I don’t drink diet beer. I drink Corona. La cerveza mas fina. Ever seen a Corona commercial? Of course you have and Corona commercials make us happy because they’re all about white sandy beaches, a blue-green tide, and ice-cold bottles of beer. Now that’s what beer drinking is all about. Relaxing! Not drinking a beer that’ll help you ride your bicycle better. Jeez! So cheers to all the Fat Girls who drink good beer!

WTF?

Something else great: Fat Girls are some of the happiest heifers on the planet! Yeah, we get all mad and pissed off from time to time, but who doesn’t? In the meantime, we can whip up fantastic meals and desserts, we’re funny as hell, and we have big ol’ boobies and nice, round booties. What’s not to love about that? Like the chicken wings us Big Gals don’t hesitate to munch on, we can be sweet like honey or hot, spicy, and sauuuuuuucey! And everybody knows that Fat Girls are tons of fun! I’m not saying skinny girls aren’t, I’m just saying that Fat Girls have had to spend a bit more time cultivating their five-star personalities than those who are 34-24-34 and 5’9”. Know what I mean, Verne?

And the best part of being a Fat Girl? We don’t make fun of Fat Girls. Come to think of it, we usually don’t make fun of anybody because we know how bad that feels and who wants to run around running their mouth and making people feel like shit? Not us!

So there you have it my beloved fellow Fat Girls! On this Mad Fat Friday, let’s raise our glasses of sweet tea, regular Coke, and fully loaded Starbucks and toast ourselves for being so fantastic! No, we’re not perfect, but who wants to be that dull? Not me! Let’s fan our feathers like a peacock looking for a peahen and shake it like it’s hot.

Cause it is!

Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday – hosted today by V.I.P guest blogger extraordinaire DANI GEER! Enjoy! #madfatfriday

It’s Mad Fat Friday, Cupcake style.

 

First and foremost, my name is Dani and my blog is Facebooking From The Edge at
http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot
,com

My blog is totally for the easily offended, so please… if you know anyone who has a chronic stick up their ass and gets butthurt about everything, send them my way. I’m all about offending people.

 

Meanwhile, I’m Mad, I’m FAT, and it’s motherfucking FRIDAY, bitches (and bitchos… I’m all about equal rights and stuff).

 

I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, I’ve been everywhere in between, and at every single point in my life, I’ve struggled with my body image. I’m one of those girls who has made the same damn goal every single January 1st since the dawn of time: Lose Weight. It never mattered what I weighed on New Year’s Eve, my goal was always to LOSE WEIGHT.

 

Fuck that.

 

I’ve finally reached a point in my life (I’m 48… will be 49 on December 20, which is a SUCKY time to have a birthday, especially if you ever want a gift that ISN’T wrapped in Christmas paper. Also? Try having a birthday party 5 days before Christmas. It isn’t happening. And those who show up WILL give you either a Christmas ornament or a snow globe. Trust me on this)…

 

Shit… remember the time I totally lost my train of thought?

 

Okay, anyway… I’ve reached a point in my life where my GOAL is to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY BODY NO MATTER WHAT SIZE I’M WEARING. I ain’t gonna lie, my size has two digits in it. Not that long ago I was rocking a size 7, but what with one thing or another, I’ve re-fatted like a champ and I’m leaning more towards “One Size Fits MOST” yoga wear. (Have you seen the Tide commercial where the woman says, “I wear yoga pants because I’m too lazy for regular pants.” If she were shorter, brunetter, older, and a little fatter, that would totally be me.)

 

BUT HERE’S THE THING:

 

I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY AND SEXY NO MATTER WHAT I’M WEARING.

 

I’m TIRED of society and the media making women feel like we have to be a certain size in order to be OKAY.

I HATE it when I see a confident, plus size woman rocking something body hugging and fabulous and some ASSHOLE says, “She’s too FAT to be wearing THAT!”

 

Oh, REALLY, Douche-nozzle? SAYS WHO?

 

I ENVY that woman. I want to be HER. I want to put on something that hugs my curves, emphasizes my boobage, doesn’t hide the fact that I’m a chubby girl, and I want to wear it with pride and feel GOOD in it.

 

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as “being too fat” to wear something. If it makes you feel good, if you feel sexy and beautiful in it, then by all means, please, please, PLEASE WEAR IT.

 

And if you’re on the beach in a swim suit and you aren’t hiding behind a towel or a cover-up? I totally want to be you when I grow up.

I don’t look at large women doing fun things and think, “Oh my God, look how fat she is!” I think, “Rock on, sistah… I want to be like YOU.”

Come check out my blog at
http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot.com
! I have everything from Adventures in Ambien Eating to Lego Porn. If it crosses my mind, it’s going to be in my blog.

 

Much love to Miss Stephanie for giving me this fabulous opportunity to be Mad and Fat this Friday!!!

 

You rock my world, Miss Thang!!

 

xoxo

 

Dani

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (today topic: #HotMenFatGirlsLove)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! Yee Haw!

 Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

So what am I mad about today? Well, I’ll just tell you! Today I’m so incredibly pissed off that I’m not a celebrity. Why? Because I want to date hot men and go to movie premiers and awards shows and wear pretty dresses that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, that’s why. But my main concern is the men. The men, I say! I want to date famous, rich, and ridiculously handsome men. 

Like Leonardo DiCaprio. Have you seen his pics from the premier of his new movie J.Edgar? OMG, he is handsome to hottest degree.  I mean, I didn’t think he could top that succulent morsel, Jack Dawson, in Titanic, but I do believe he has! Don’t get me wrong here. Just because I’ve fallen for him all over again doesn’t lessen the pain I felt when he froze to death with that snot-cicle on his face. Still hurts. Cause love hurts. I’m getting depressed now, so I think I should mention how luscious he was when he played that conniving pilot on Catch Me If You Can. I’ll be honest, I probably couldn’t catch his sexy ass with a fifty foot head start, but I’d outdo myself trying. I even thought he was hot in Who’s Eating Gilbert Grape. I’ll tell you what else, I’d eat his dang Gilbert Grape anytime! OH NO! Did I just type that out loud? Do pardon me. I could go on and on about Leo, but I should stop here before I shame myself further and move on….

To Johnny Depp. Have you seen The Rum Diary? OMG fer shizzle. It’s the love of my life at his very best. What can I say? He’s just such a character! I mean, the 23 people on Earth who didn’t finish falling in love with him after his turn as Capt’n Jack Sparrow will be fully inebriated with his sexiness after seeing this one. We should all be so thankful that Mr. Hunter S. Thompson didn’t take this story to his grave because it’s what you might call mucho fabuloso en paraíso. Johnny Depp is perfection as Paul Kemp. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, I’m ashamed of you! Take yourself out and get an eyeful of my boyfriend, Johnny Depp, and, no! I’m not the jealous type. Feast your eyes like a redneck at deer camp buffet. Because I still have ….

Justin Bieber. And I’m having his baby! Ok, not really, but I plan on claiming he’s my Baby Daddy just as soon as that sweet-faced little rumpus turns 18! That’s my Justin Plan B for Bieber. And if that doesn’t get me a date with him, which I’m sure it won’t, then I’m going right back to my Just-In Time Plan A (aka Justin TimberlAke) which is to somehow work my way into a movie with JT in it because I would get down on my knees and beg like a dog until he agreed to take me on a date! See, I need to be a celebrity so I don’t have to be willing to go to such idiotic lengths! I was born to be a celebrity! I’m so good at doing nothing!

Ok, I just thought of something. Maybe I need to shoot for being an actress or a super model instead of just a celebrity because there are plenty of “celebrities” out there that stay on their knees like bitches, I’m sorry, dogs (I’m talking to you Snookie) and I’m pretty sure that my boys Justin, Justin, Johnny, and Leo wouldn’t give them time of day! Dammit! Now I’ve got to go redo my whole entire fantastical plan to date famous, rich, and ridiculously handsome men. There goes the weekend! Shit!

Well, despite my anger, pain, and agony – do try to have yourself a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones