I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! Yee Haw!
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!
So what am I mad about today? Well, I’ll just tell you! Today I’m so incredibly pissed off that I’m not a celebrity. Why? Because I want to date hot men and go to movie premiers and awards shows and wear pretty dresses that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, that’s why. But my main concern is the men. The men, I say! I want to date famous, rich, and ridiculously handsome men.
Like Leonardo DiCaprio. Have you seen his pics from the premier of his new movie J.Edgar? OMG, he is handsome to hottest degree. I mean, I didn’t think he could top that succulent morsel, Jack Dawson, in Titanic, but I do believe he has! Don’t get me wrong here. Just because I’ve fallen for him all over again doesn’t lessen the pain I felt when he froze to death with that snot-cicle on his face. Still hurts. Cause love hurts. I’m getting depressed now, so I think I should mention how luscious he was when he played that conniving pilot on Catch Me If You Can. I’ll be honest, I probably couldn’t catch his sexy ass with a fifty foot head start, but I’d outdo myself trying. I even thought he was hot in Who’s Eating Gilbert Grape. I’ll tell you what else, I’d eat his dang Gilbert Grape anytime! OH NO! Did I just type that out loud? Do pardon me. I could go on and on about Leo, but I should stop here before I shame myself further and move on….
To Johnny Depp. Have you seen The Rum Diary? OMG fer shizzle. It’s the love of my life at his very best. What can I say? He’s just such a character! I mean, the 23 people on Earth who didn’t finish falling in love with him after his turn as Capt’n Jack Sparrow will be fully inebriated with his sexiness after seeing this one. We should all be so thankful that Mr. Hunter S. Thompson didn’t take this story to his grave because it’s what you might call mucho fabuloso en paraíso. Johnny Depp is perfection as Paul Kemp. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, I’m ashamed of you! Take yourself out and get an eyeful of my boyfriend, Johnny Depp, and, no! I’m not the jealous type. Feast your eyes like a redneck at deer camp buffet. Because I still have ….
Justin Bieber. And I’m having his baby! Ok, not really, but I plan on claiming he’s my Baby Daddy just as soon as that sweet-faced little rumpus turns 18! That’s my Justin Plan B for Bieber. And if that doesn’t get me a date with him, which I’m sure it won’t, then I’m going right back to my Just-In Time Plan A (aka Justin TimberlAke) which is to somehow work my way into a movie with JT in it because I would get down on my knees and beg like a dog until he agreed to take me on a date! See, I need to be a celebrity so I don’t have to be willing to go to such idiotic lengths! I was born to be a celebrity! I’m so good at doing nothing!
Ok, I just thought of something. Maybe I need to shoot for being an actress or a super model instead of just a celebrity because there are plenty of “celebrities” out there that stay on their knees like bitches, I’m sorry, dogs (I’m talking to you Snookie) and I’m pretty sure that my boys Justin, Justin, Johnny, and Leo wouldn’t give them time of day! Dammit! Now I’ve got to go redo my whole entire fantastical plan to date famous, rich, and ridiculously handsome men. There goes the weekend! Shit!
Well, despite my anger, pain, and agony – do try to have yourself a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!
Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,