It’s Mad Fat Friday! Let’s go burn some more taters! by Ace Jones ( #lowfatliving is hard on a #fatgirl with #fatgirlprobz )

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

So what am I mad about today? Well, I’ll just tell you! Today I’m mad because I can’t afford a personal chef. Why? Well, for starters, because I would like to get my paws on some low-fat, heart-healthy, good-fer-ye food that doesn’t taste like a bucket o’ ass with a side of raw soy beans, that’s why!

Let me just go on and tell you what I’ve done. I went out and bought myself a Weight Watchers cookbook. I know you’re sitting there thinking, “Oh! No! You didn’t!” to which I must say, “Oh, yes! I did!” Why? Because as much as I love being fat and enjoy shopping “exclusively” online for plus sizes, I would like to live to a ripe old age and not deprive the world of my comic genius before it’s my time to go. So I decided to try and get healthy. For a minute. And after googling things like capers, gruyere, and cremini, I made myself a shopping list and off to Wal-Mart I went.

Now the first thing you need to know about this venture is that it’s been time-consuming from the word GO. I mean, aside from all the research I had to do on certain ingredients and putting together a 6 page shopping list, the actual shopping itself took me nearly three hours. I’m sorry, but shopping for frozen pizza and taco fixins is just a whole lot easier, not to mention a lot quicker.  SO, after inspecting each individual item on both sides of each individual aisle from the front to the back of the store, I still left without the capers and gruyere cheese. But that’s beside the point, really, because the point is that I averaged spending a hundred dollars an hour on my shopping trip and then it took an additional two hours to haul all of that mess out of the buggy, into my car, back out of my car, and into my house. Then I had to put it all away! I was like SHIT! I haven’t even got to the cooking part yet!

 So the first thing I tried was the spinach quiche. Not that I like spinach. I don’t. But I have managed to choke a little spinach dip down every now and then, so I thought I’d give it a try in some egg pie. Well, I got everything all mixed up and got my pie crust nice and toasty, then when I put the spinach into the pie crust, I thought to myself, “Now that’s a crap load of spinach!” But I was determined to stick to the recipe so I poured my egg-white and weird cheese mixture over the top and, to be perfectly honest, well- that pie crust was a bit too full. I took a fork and poked around a bit, trying to separate those gargantuan lumps of green and  slung a little of the filling out on the stove top, then slung a little more out in the oven when I stuck it in there. It was a fine mess. Took me an hour to clean up but that was okay, because as it turns out, I had an hour.

After fifteen minutes, I looked in on my creation and it looked like grass soup. Upon rereading the directions, I discovered that the quiche was to cook fifteen minutes at one temperature, then twenty to a hundred minutes at a another. So, an hour later, I pulled my spinach quiche out of the oven and, when it cooled down, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, it was no gravy and biscuit, but it was okay. And I spent ten times more money on it that I would have a breakfast sandwich from Burger King and would’ve had two hours to spare, but who cares, right? Healthy living. Dishes be damned!

So, that’s when I thought about the personal chef. But I didn’t get mad. Not at that point. That was Monday morning.

I worked my ass off in the kitchen Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I’m pretty sure  I chopped more vegetables this week than the Jolly Green Giant’s red-headed step-child, but I didn’t get mad and have a breakdown until last night when I (yet again) failed to fully read the cooking instructions. 

Long story short, after my requisite hour of chopping and mixing, I popped a beautiful batch of scalloped potatoes in the oven. I was excited about having potatoes even if they were red. Imagine my surprise forty-five minutes later when I peeled back that aluminum foil, forked a sample, and found it to be as raw as the day it was plucked from the ground. I looked over at my meatballs which were getting cold fast and I got a little pissed off. I turned the oven on super broil or whatever that setting is really called and I cooked the shit out of those potatoes. Thirty minutes later, I was chomping on low-fat meatballs and super crispy, slightly blackened scalloped potatoes.

It was after I finished that fat-forsaken dinner and cleaned up that massive stack of dishes that I completely lost my mind. You know how right at bedtime, you get ravenously hungry and want to eat six hundred Ritz crackers with cheese, butter, peanut butter, and/or all of the above. Well, I was having one of those moments and, as if possessed by the devil himself, I went to the pantry and dug around until I found my stash of left-over Valentine M&Ms. I was on my third pack when my dog ran up behind me and barked, scaring the crap out of me and causing me to toss my little candy coated chips of chocolate goodness all over the kitchen. It was a mad scramble between me and Buster Loo to see who would pick up the most pieces the fastest. After that, I put the other five bags of candy back in the pantry and went to bed. Defeated.

So this morning, I woke up and got back on the war path. I tried to cook some kind of weird omelet, made a horrible mess and ended up in the drive-thru at McDonald’s. Which is where I was when I decided that I need a personal chef and got mad as hell because I knew I could never afford one.

Which sucks.

Cause this low-fat cooking ain’t for me.

So needless to say, I’m having big ole meaty cheese pizza delivered to my front door tonight and I’m not messing up my kitchen for the rest of the weekend. I’ll give that healthy cooking another try on Monday. Not because I want to, but because I’ve got somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 worth of groceries sitting in there that I can’t use for anything else.

Dang it!

So that’s it for my adventures in healthy cooking! I think I’ll go design my very own demotivational FAIL poster now!  

May you all have a Happy Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend that I hope is blissfully free of dirty dishes and complicated recipes!

 Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday – hosted today by V.I.P guest blogger extraordinaire DANI GEER! Enjoy! #madfatfriday

It’s Mad Fat Friday, Cupcake style.

 

First and foremost, my name is Dani and my blog is Facebooking From The Edge at http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot,com

My blog is totally for the easily offended, so please… if you know anyone who has a chronic stick up their ass and gets butthurt about everything, send them my way. I’m all about offending people.

 

Meanwhile, I’m Mad, I’m FAT, and it’s motherfucking FRIDAY, bitches (and bitchos… I’m all about equal rights and stuff).

 

I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, I’ve been everywhere in between, and at every single point in my life, I’ve struggled with my body image. I’m one of those girls who has made the same damn goal every single January 1st since the dawn of time: Lose Weight. It never mattered what I weighed on New Year’s Eve, my goal was always to LOSE WEIGHT.

 

Fuck that.

 

I’ve finally reached a point in my life (I’m 48… will be 49 on December 20, which is a SUCKY time to have a birthday, especially if you ever want a gift that ISN’T wrapped in Christmas paper. Also? Try having a birthday party 5 days before Christmas. It isn’t happening. And those who show up WILL give you either a Christmas ornament or a snow globe. Trust me on this)…

 

Shit… remember the time I totally lost my train of thought?

 

Okay, anyway… I’ve reached a point in my life where my GOAL is to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY BODY NO MATTER WHAT SIZE I’M WEARING. I ain’t gonna lie, my size has two digits in it. Not that long ago I was rocking a size 7, but what with one thing or another, I’ve re-fatted like a champ and I’m leaning more towards “One Size Fits MOST” yoga wear. (Have you seen the Tide commercial where the woman says, “I wear yoga pants because I’m too lazy for regular pants.” If she were shorter, brunetter, older, and a little fatter, that would totally be me.)

 

BUT HERE’S THE THING:

 

I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY AND SEXY NO MATTER WHAT I’M WEARING.

 

I’m TIRED of society and the media making women feel like we have to be a certain size in order to be OKAY.

I HATE it when I see a confident, plus size woman rocking something body hugging and fabulous and some ASSHOLE says, “She’s too FAT to be wearing THAT!”

 

Oh, REALLY, Douche-nozzle? SAYS WHO?

 

I ENVY that woman. I want to be HER. I want to put on something that hugs my curves, emphasizes my boobage, doesn’t hide the fact that I’m a chubby girl, and I want to wear it with pride and feel GOOD in it.

 

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as “being too fat” to wear something. If it makes you feel good, if you feel sexy and beautiful in it, then by all means, please, please, PLEASE WEAR IT.

 

And if you’re on the beach in a swim suit and you aren’t hiding behind a towel or a cover-up? I totally want to be you when I grow up.

I don’t look at large women doing fun things and think, “Oh my God, look how fat she is!” I think, “Rock on, sistah… I want to be like YOU.”

Come check out my blog at http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot.com! I have everything from Adventures in Ambien Eating to Lego Porn. If it crosses my mind, it’s going to be in my blog.

 

Much love to Miss Stephanie for giving me this fabulous opportunity to be Mad and Fat this Friday!!!

 

You rock my world, Miss Thang!!

 

xoxo

 

Dani

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (today topic: #HotMenFatGirlsLove)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! Yee Haw!

 Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

So what am I mad about today? Well, I’ll just tell you! Today I’m so incredibly pissed off that I’m not a celebrity. Why? Because I want to date hot men and go to movie premiers and awards shows and wear pretty dresses that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, that’s why. But my main concern is the men. The men, I say! I want to date famous, rich, and ridiculously handsome men. 

Like Leonardo DiCaprio. Have you seen his pics from the premier of his new movie J.Edgar? OMG, he is handsome to hottest degree.  I mean, I didn’t think he could top that succulent morsel, Jack Dawson, in Titanic, but I do believe he has! Don’t get me wrong here. Just because I’ve fallen for him all over again doesn’t lessen the pain I felt when he froze to death with that snot-cicle on his face. Still hurts. Cause love hurts. I’m getting depressed now, so I think I should mention how luscious he was when he played that conniving pilot on Catch Me If You Can. I’ll be honest, I probably couldn’t catch his sexy ass with a fifty foot head start, but I’d outdo myself trying. I even thought he was hot in Who’s Eating Gilbert Grape. I’ll tell you what else, I’d eat his dang Gilbert Grape anytime! OH NO! Did I just type that out loud? Do pardon me. I could go on and on about Leo, but I should stop here before I shame myself further and move on….

To Johnny Depp. Have you seen The Rum Diary? OMG fer shizzle. It’s the love of my life at his very best. What can I say? He’s just such a character! I mean, the 23 people on Earth who didn’t finish falling in love with him after his turn as Capt’n Jack Sparrow will be fully inebriated with his sexiness after seeing this one. We should all be so thankful that Mr. Hunter S. Thompson didn’t take this story to his grave because it’s what you might call mucho fabuloso en paraíso. Johnny Depp is perfection as Paul Kemp. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, I’m ashamed of you! Take yourself out and get an eyeful of my boyfriend, Johnny Depp, and, no! I’m not the jealous type. Feast your eyes like a redneck at deer camp buffet. Because I still have ….

Justin Bieber. And I’m having his baby! Ok, not really, but I plan on claiming he’s my Baby Daddy just as soon as that sweet-faced little rumpus turns 18! That’s my Justin Plan B for Bieber. And if that doesn’t get me a date with him, which I’m sure it won’t, then I’m going right back to my Just-In Time Plan A (aka Justin TimberlAke) which is to somehow work my way into a movie with JT in it because I would get down on my knees and beg like a dog until he agreed to take me on a date! See, I need to be a celebrity so I don’t have to be willing to go to such idiotic lengths! I was born to be a celebrity! I’m so good at doing nothing!

Ok, I just thought of something. Maybe I need to shoot for being an actress or a super model instead of just a celebrity because there are plenty of “celebrities” out there that stay on their knees like bitches, I’m sorry, dogs (I’m talking to you Snookie) and I’m pretty sure that my boys Justin, Justin, Johnny, and Leo wouldn’t give them time of day! Dammit! Now I’ve got to go redo my whole entire fantastical plan to date famous, rich, and ridiculously handsome men. There goes the weekend! Shit!

Well, despite my anger, pain, and agony – do try to have yourself a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (todays topic: #LindsayLohan #LiLo)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

I don’t know what you’ve been doing on this lovely day, but I’ve been watching and rewatching the video of  Lindsay Lohan getting in trouble for not acting right during her probation! Who saw that one coming? Not me!  And I don’t know what that correspondent, Gordon Tonka Truck, was talking about when he said she should be getting used to this by now! Gordon! How could you!

He said my girl LiLo (why do I always want to type LOL instead of that?) didn’t say a word as she “ran the gauntlet of reporters and cameras.” He made it sound like she was white water rafting and white water rafting is fun, I say! It’s fun! If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was implying that she actually enjoys the attention she’s getting! Come to think of it, I don’t know better so, Mr. Tonka Truck, how dare you! OMG I’m getting madder by the minute!

And that Stephanie Sautner! Trying to act like LOL, oops I mean LiLo should be responsible and make her appointments and such like the court tells her to do! What does that woman think she’s a judge or something? And then that bit about looking a gift horse in the mouth! What was that all about? Then those cameras zoomed in on my girl DilDo, oh gosh, I’m sorry, I mean LiLo, and she’s sitting there looking around like “I did what with a horse!”  

I mean, that judge obviously doesn’t know what kind of iron will she’s up against trying to make little Miss Lohan do something. Remember back in 2008 when SpeedO, I mean LiLo, tried to jump on the Obama wagon and was politely turned away? But she kept on keeping on with the oral support even after Obama was quoted as saying that she was “not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be positive for us.” I hate to be the one to point this out, but if a girl don’t listen to the President of the United States, she ain’t gonna listen to some measly judge!  

I almost feel sorry for her poor lawyer standing there, telling the judge that poor Lindsay wasn’t in Europe having fun, she was trying to make money to support her family. What more does a judge need after that explanation? Has she not heard about Dina and Mike? I mean, Lindsay has been in The Parent Trap since she was born back in 1986!

I know people think SheBlo (oh man! I can’t get that right) I mean LiLo needs to Get a Clue and stop living like a Douchebag Drama Queen, but let me just say that maybe she can’t help it. Even Nice Girls don’t want to sit on the sidelines while Herbie is the only one getting Fully Loaded! Have you seen the last few movies she’s done? I haven’t! But I looked them up on Wikipedia and I think she’s trying to send us a message.  In 2010, she was in a film called “Machete”. The year before that, she did one called “Labor Pains”.  Eeeeeck! Scary! I say either let the bitch go or throw her in jail for good before something awful happens to us all!

Well, I don’t know what anybody else is doing this weekend, but I’m about to go dye my hair red and snort some ‘caine! Have a great Mad Fat Freaky Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday!

If anyone would like to know how mad I am right now, well let me just tell you that I’m about 75 degrees past my boiling point. For starters, I’m typing this on my iPhone because my Internet service decided to go AWOL today. Now, if you’ve ever spent more than ten minutes on a project that required Internet service only to to find out there wasn’t any, then you know exactly how mad I am right now!

And I can’t spell squat. I mean shot. No wait I meant to say shit! I think between my less-than-stellar spelling skills and this stupid-assed autocorrect, I better get off of here before I write something awful by mistake. Perhaps I should check out early today and hit up the closest happy hour before I blow a gasket over this Internet debacle.

So goodbye for today! Have a fabulous Mad Fat Friday and a crazy, insanely wonderful weekend!

Much love from the maddest Fat Girl

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (today’s topic #dietpills #dietfail)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Know what I’m mad about today? Diet pills. Diet pills piss me off. And commercials for diet pills make me want to go to Wal-Mart and slap all their products off the shelves. Especially that one with my hero, Kim Kardashian, featured on the box because, try as I may, I don’t remember a time when she was a Fat Girl so WTF is up with that?  And then you have those FDA approved diet pills in boxes that don’t say, “Will give you the flaming running shits for sixteen hours straight” but should, you know?

Every Fat Girl on the planet knows that diet pills are a complete and total waste of money. How do we know? Because we’ve tried damn near every pill on the market and several that have been taken off.

I’ve done it. I’ve taken my fair share. Far be it from me to sit here and try to convince anyone that I’m above trying to take the easy way out ‘cause I’m not. I’m all for the easy way. As a matter of fact, I’ve gone the distance in search of the easy way. I drove 100 miles to West Memphis, Arkansas, and dropped a few hundred dollars on pills that weren’t available in Mississippi or Tennessee. Ever heard of phen-phen? Oh yeah, those are the diet pills that broke me. Literally and figuratively.

Now, to be clear, I did lose some weight on those bad boys. I lost about 25 pounds with a quickness. Why? Because taking that mess was like being on crack-cocaine. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep, so all I did was get shit done. My house was clean, my car was clean, my grass was mowed, and I organized every junk drawer I had six times a day for a week. So what was the problem? The problem was when that crap starting wearing off, I found myself on the fast train to b-i-t-c-h city.

I’m not talking about a normal case of being bitchy here, I’m talking super-natural bitchiness. The kind that might get you sent to prison. For life. I turned into a mean, crazy, deranged, lunatic bitch. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, only I didn’t turn green when I ripped my shirt off. It was bad. I had to stop taking that crap before I murdered someone in the check-out line for not putting their groceries on the counter as fast as I thought they should. I mean, those heifers from Chicago wouldn’t have shit on me. It was that bad. I was that bad. So I quit. And did I gain the weight back? Immediately.

I knew better. I mean, I had to cross two state lines to get those pills. That really should set off some kind of idiot alert in my head but, unfortunately for me, my idiot alert doesn’t function properly most of the time.

And we all know better. So why do we do it? Why do we try to take the easy way out when we know the only way is the hard way?

Maybe because being a Fat Girl isn’t always fun. Like when we have to go clothes shopping. Maybe because we have trouble working that magical combination of diet and exercise into our crazy-ass lives. I do. I get desperate. We all get desperate. And what really pisses me off about diet pills is that there are people, hell, entire companies lining their pockets because of our desperation.

Think about how much better life would be without desperation. I don’t know about you, but I can think of more than a few times when I’ve gone to a bar, got hammered, and in my loneliness and desperation, went home with a skinny guy. It happens. Desperation isn’t becoming for us Thick Sexy Bitches. So let’s stop reaching into our wallets and dishing out hard-earned money for diet pills.  And only go home with a skinny boy if they have a fat weenie!

 So good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones #fatgirlwin #melissamccarthy

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! (And by mad, I mean crazy excited!)

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

I hereby dedicate this Mad Fat Friday to my official hero, Melissa McCarthy, who has been racking up Fat Girl Wins like a wild woman. Her latest: She’ll be hosting Saturday Night Live tomorrow night, Oct 1!  How’s that for a Fat Girl Win we can all get excited about?  

So where do you know her from? Well, she was Sookie St. James on Gilmore Girls and Dena on Samantha Who? And she’s currently the star of Mike & Molly, for which she just won an Emmy. Yes, a freakin’ Emmy. So there’s another Fat Girl Win to get excited about!

She’s been in quite a few movies, including my absolute-most-favorite-film-of-all-time, Bridesmaids. If you haven’t seen it, go get it tonight. Better yet, drop whatever you’re doing and go get it right now and if anyone tries to stop you, get a real crazy look in your eye and yell, “It’s Mad Fat Friday, bitches! Step back!”

So what’s she got coming up? Well, she’s set to be in This is Forty, the sequel to Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up and she will star in the upcoming film ID Theft with my boyfriend, Jason Bateman. (Ok, maybe I just wish he was my boyfriend. Maybe I’ve been wishing that since his days on Silver Spoons. Maybe those maybes don’t even belong in those sentences. I should also note that I was madly in love with Ricky Schroeder but my crush on him was over when the series ended.) So we have a lot to look forward to from the new Queen of the Plump Damsels!

But wait! There’s more! Wanna know another reason I love Melissa McCarthy (like I really need one)? She is quoted in People saying, “Trying to find stuff that’s still fashion-forward in my size is damn near impossible. It’s either for like a 98-year-old woman or a 14-year-old hooker, and there is nothing in the middle.”

O.M.G. Fat Girls, how great is it to hear someone say that out loud when people are actually listening!?!

She also said that shopping for something to wear to the Emmys required her to sift through “nine million dresses with taffeta or shiny bows.” Oh, Melissa, preach on, sister!

So guess what she’s up to now? Why, co-designing her own line with couturier Daniella Pearl.

Fat Girl Win!

Melissa McCarthy is Mad Fat-tabulous!

So adios for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend! Don’t miss Melissa on SNL tomorrow night!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones – #IwannabeaKardashian

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! (Ok, today, I’m not SO mad, but I’m still Fat and it is Friday!) 
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Today I decided that I can no longer take myself seriously if I don’t spend a few minutes talking about Self-Proclaimed-Woman-of Wonder-not-to-be-confused-with-the-real-Wonder-Woman, Kim Kardashian. Now there’s a honey who believes a hundred million fah-fallion people really and truly care about what she says, does, and wears. I mean, obviously some people do and that’s fine, but it seems that Kim and her treasured paparazzi pets get a little carried away with how much of her we really need. Which really isn’t much. At least not for me.

And is it just me or does Kardashian & Kompany seem to have this idea that if they kram, kram, kram enough Kardashian down our throats, then not only will we start to like it, but we will all want more, more, MORE (oh why can’t ‘more’ start with a ‘K’?)! I’m worried that people are going to start getting sued for not talking about what the Kardashians aren’t doing! Seriously!

I would like to take a minute and offer Ms. Kim some friendly advice in that I think she needs to watch her big, foxy backside because, while I don’t know a lot about what’s really going on in KardashianLand, I do know that that big, tall sister of hers is quite capable of whipping her ass all over New York, Miami, and L.A. Have you ever seen a picture of the one that’s 6’4”? (Stupid question…how could you NOT have seen that, right?) Anyway, she always looks so mad. I’m thinking Kim better not push her too far or she’s going to GET IT from her one day!

Which speaking of “gettin’ it”- that tall one should have a show of her own called “That Big Tall Kardashian Sister Takes Down Bitches All Over the World!” and camera crews could follow her around, filming her kicking the shit out of pairs of people like Mayweather & Ortiz, Leno & Letterman, Damon & Affleck, Steven Stegall & Keanu Reeves, Reba & Dolly, Angelina & Brad, Tina Fey & Amy Pohler (only she’d have to take those two one at a time) and maybe a few Elvis impersonators and some unsuspecting cops. Now that would be some good TV!

You know what? I think I just figured out why the Tall Sister doesn’t like Kim’s new husband! Because now that his big, way-taller-than-her self is hanging around all the time, she knows she can’t whip Kim’s ass whenever she wants and I don’t think she likes losing that element of control! Bingo! I think we have a winner with that one!

Oh goodness! My ideas and assumptions are balling out of Kontrol so I guess I better stop here for today.

Really though, regardless of how much Kim Kardashian and her media minions overestimate her importance to us and regardless of how obviously irrelevant and dis-Konnected they are to the real real world, there is no denying that she is one of the hottest, sexiest woman on the prowl these days. She reportedly made six million dollars last year and for what? NOT doing a damn thing constructive - so kudos to her for, if nothing else, knowing how to make some easy money. Maybe someday I could figure out how to make a million dollars off of my own voluptuous ass! Yee haw! Now there’s an exciting prospect! I’m gonna get off here now and go TiVo…uh….what was the name of her show again?

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,
Ace Jones

P.S.
Don’t be hatin’ of a Fat Girl for poking a little fun. If I weighed 97 pounds, I’d feel the same way. It’s all in fun and deep down, I’m just like everyone else on the planet Earth and I wanna be a Kardashian too! Don’t we all, secretly….

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (today’s topic: #mediamorons)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

On this fantastic Mad Fat Friday, I thought we could discuss Morons in Media.  Seeing as how that’s a terrible large number of morons, I’m just going to hit a few of my favorites.

Let’s start with Toddlers & Tiaras. Have you seen the latest issue of People? One of those strangely painted up little girls is on the cover.  I guess the folks at People decided that just in case someone eventually wises up to the fact that the show has indeed “Gone Too Far” and yes,  it is “Too Much Too Soon”  they could help by piling on some extra publicity.

I mean, it’s not like there are ignorant women all over the South (according to the article, that’s where most participants are from) thinking about robbing their local cigarette shop so they can spend $100,000 a year on their 2 or 3-year-old little girl so the poor, unsuspecting toddler can “have the privilege” of sitting through hours upon hours of hair, make-up, spray tans, coaching, and getting fitted for “flippers” -which is fake teeth. Yes, I said fake teeth. For a toddler. I mean, who needs a Montessori school when you can put your child in a “glitz” pageant?

What is wrong with these mothers? And I use the term “mother” loosely here. I can’t help but wonder if there is enough attention in the whole wide world for  these poor misguided “moms” whose souls have so obviously been consumed by the “Fame Monster” I heard Lady Gaga talking about. One “mom” (again, using the term loosely), who dressed her 3-year-old up as the prostitute in Pretty Woman, was quoted as saying that Toddlers & Tiaras was “unfairly scrutinized” compared to dance or gymnastics competitions. Really? Does she not know why? Perhaps if she took the time to examine her question, she might stumble upon an answer to that.

Another “mom” who dressed her kid up as Dolly, complete with stuffed t&a, said that Kentucky thought it was funny but Connecticut didn’t get it. Really? Talk about your all-time embarrassing moments for Southerners who think what she’s doing isn’t funny at all and really, really, really f—ked up!

Yet another “mom was quoted as saying, “Hey, Miss U.S. A. wears six-inch heels! You gotta prep somehow!” Right. Because that’s important.  Unlike saving for your child’s college education.  And the countless hours of therapy they’ll need because their moms were complete fucking morons.   

The best part of the article, however, came when Amy Winter, TLC’s executive vice president and general manager says that they are just observing and documenting and not costuming the kids. Oh, Amy, that makes it all better! Amy goes on to say, “We’re not passing judgment, and we’re not condoning anything.” Really, but you are putting in on national television? So you’re innocent, right? Just like Casey Anthony.

Ok, so I’ve taken up all of this Mad Fat Friday with Toddlers & Tiaras, but I just couldn’t help myself. In the expansive world of Morons in the Media, well, the women involved in that show deserve a spot way up at the top. We shall call them The Queens of the Media Morons. Somebody go get them a crown.  

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

MAD FAT FRIDAY by Ace Jones

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

 Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all of you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Today I would like to discuss online shopping and I think the first thing we need to do is climb up on our rooftops and shout, “Old Navy, what the f—k  were you thinking when you pulled all of your Thick Sexy Bitch clothes out of your stores and put them ‘exclusively’ online!?! Are you f—king kidding!?!”

My favorite part of shopping Old Navy online is when I move my mouse over the tab that says, “Women’s Plus – Sizes 16-30” and the highlighted tab pops up with, “Women’s Plus – Exclusively Online” like they did all the Fat Girls a favor by taking away their right to try on clothes in an actual dressing room in their store. Really, Old Navy? Really?

I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a computer and clicking on articles of clothing without having any idea what they actually look or feel like, then waiting patiently seven to ten days for them to arrive on my front porch. Then when the wardrobe is delivered, I get to spend thirty minutes unwrapping each individual piece before trying it all on in the comfort of my home because I’m a Fat Girl and obviously unworthy of a dressing room in a real store so I buy first and try on second.  

If I’m lucky, half of what I ordered will fit and the other half either won’t  or looks stupid as shit so then I set about trying to match up the clothes I have to return with their little plastic bags on which is printed a secret Old Navy jumble of capital letters underneath  a bar code. I’ve thought about pinning the clothes to their respective bags, but that’s just too damn ridiculous to have to do.  I tried trying them on one at a time, but I like to try on outfits, so I still ended up with a big pile of plastic bags and no idea which bag goes with what.  The weird, page-sized plastic sticker label thing helps a little and using it comes in handy because, when my detective work pays off and I match a bag to an article of clothing, I can mark it accordingly on the item list.   

So I when I finally get each piece back in it’s proper little plastic bag, I box it all up and wrap it with fifty feet of packing tape, but not to worry! The fun doesn’t stop there because this is the part of the Old Navy shopping experience when I actually get to get in my car and drive somewhere. All the way to the closest UPS store.

I guess some compassionate soul thought sending free shipping labels to Fat Girls was the least they could do after getting us all excited about having a great place to shop then jerking the rug out from under us and sending our collective fat asses to the floor in a massive thud of disappointment.  Yeah, thanks for that. I think next time I head to the UPS store, I’m going to walk in the door saying, “Fat Girl Clothes! Mad Fat Girl coming thru! Make room! WIDE LOAD!”  I don’t know what that would accomplish other than being extremely entertaining for me on a personal level, but what more do I really need than that?

Let me say at this point that, besides the aggravating way in which I have to acquire them, I do have a number of Old Navy clothing for which I’m very thankful.  I have several tees and shorts that not only fit well, but look good on me and there’s not a Fat Girl on planet Earth that wouldn’t chalk that up as a win.

Now what we all need is for Old Navy to get the Plump Damsel or Big Beautiful Babes or whatever they want to call our clothing line other than Women’s Plus BACK IN THE STORES!! C’mon, Old Navy, do it for the Fat Girls.

I realize that I’ve spent the majority of this Mad Fat Friday post harping on Old Navy and, as much as they deserve it, I feel like it would be fair to mention a few other stores. I’ve noticed that a lot of Major Department Stores (discussed last Friday) have some really cool stuff available online, but not in their  actual stores. Why is that? I can’t help but wonder if it’s the merchandising worlds way of putting out a message to the Fat Girls.

 I can just see some tall, abnormally skinny lady with a nasal, high-pitched voice standing in a big, fancy office somewhere saying, “If we limit the options of the Plus Sized Woman, then maybe she will go away.” I mean, somebody somewhere is causing this problem and I think whoever that is should be kicked right square in their ass.

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

P.S.

Special note to anyone thinking about writing a snotty-ass comment about how Fat Girls need to focus more on diet and exercise and less on bitching and complaining: I will post your comment and, in my reply, I will rip you another asshole. Why, because I’m mad, I’m fat, & it’s Friday (and if you read this next Thursday, it still won’t be your day to approach me). Fat Girls know they’re fat. I speak for all my fellow Fat Girls when I say that we are painfully aware that we pinch more way more than an inch. Got it? Some people, perhaps you, are not so aware of their own personal issues and/or shortcomings. Don’t make me point those out for you. Ok? Great! Now hustle on back (jog if you like) to your non-fat pals who probably can’t stand to be you around you anyway. Adios!