I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!
So what am I mad about today? Well, I’ll just tell you! Today I’m mad because I can’t afford a personal chef. Why? Well, for starters, because I would like to get my paws on some low-fat, heart-healthy, good-fer-ye food that doesn’t taste like a bucket o’ ass with a side of raw soy beans, that’s why!
Let me just go on and tell you what I’ve done. I went out and bought myself a Weight Watchers cookbook. I know you’re sitting there thinking, “Oh! No! You didn’t!” to which I must say, “Oh, yes! I did!” Why? Because as much as I love being fat and enjoy shopping “exclusively” online for plus sizes, I would like to live to a ripe old age and not deprive the world of my comic genius before it’s my time to go. So I decided to try and get healthy. For a minute. And after googling things like capers, gruyere, and cremini, I made myself a shopping list and off to Wal-Mart I went.
Now the first thing you need to know about this venture is that it’s been time-consuming from the word GO. I mean, aside from all the research I had to do on certain ingredients and putting together a 6 page shopping list, the actual shopping itself took me nearly three hours. I’m sorry, but shopping for frozen pizza and taco fixins is just a whole lot easier, not to mention a lot quicker. SO, after inspecting each individual item on both sides of each individual aisle from the front to the back of the store, I still left without the capers and gruyere cheese. But that’s beside the point, really, because the point is that I averaged spending a hundred dollars an hour on my shopping trip and then it took an additional two hours to haul all of that mess out of the buggy, into my car, back out of my car, and into my house. Then I had to put it all away! I was like SHIT! I haven’t even got to the cooking part yet!
So the first thing I tried was the spinach quiche. Not that I like spinach. I don’t. But I have managed to choke a little spinach dip down every now and then, so I thought I’d give it a try in some egg pie. Well, I got everything all mixed up and got my pie crust nice and toasty, then when I put the spinach into the pie crust, I thought to myself, “Now that’s a crap load of spinach!” But I was determined to stick to the recipe so I poured my egg-white and weird cheese mixture over the top and, to be perfectly honest, well- that pie crust was a bit too full. I took a fork and poked around a bit, trying to separate those gargantuan lumps of green and slung a little of the filling out on the stove top, then slung a little more out in the oven when I stuck it in there. It was a fine mess. Took me an hour to clean up but that was okay, because as it turns out, I had an hour.
After fifteen minutes, I looked in on my creation and it looked like grass soup. Upon rereading the directions, I discovered that the quiche was to cook fifteen minutes at one temperature, then twenty to a hundred minutes at a another. So, an hour later, I pulled my spinach quiche out of the oven and, when it cooled down, it wasn’t that bad. I mean, it was no gravy and biscuit, but it was okay. And I spent ten times more money on it that I would have a breakfast sandwich from Burger King and would’ve had two hours to spare, but who cares, right? Healthy living. Dishes be damned!
So, that’s when I thought about the personal chef. But I didn’t get mad. Not at that point. That was Monday morning.
I worked my ass off in the kitchen Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday and I’m pretty sure I chopped more vegetables this week than the Jolly Green Giant’s red-headed step-child, but I didn’t get mad and have a breakdown until last night when I (yet again) failed to fully read the cooking instructions.
Long story short, after my requisite hour of chopping and mixing, I popped a beautiful batch of scalloped potatoes in the oven. I was excited about having potatoes even if they were red. Imagine my surprise forty-five minutes later when I peeled back that aluminum foil, forked a sample, and found it to be as raw as the day it was plucked from the ground. I looked over at my meatballs which were getting cold fast and I got a little pissed off. I turned the oven on super broil or whatever that setting is really called and I cooked the shit out of those potatoes. Thirty minutes later, I was chomping on low-fat meatballs and super crispy, slightly blackened scalloped potatoes.
It was after I finished that fat-forsaken dinner and cleaned up that massive stack of dishes that I completely lost my mind. You know how right at bedtime, you get ravenously hungry and want to eat six hundred Ritz crackers with cheese, butter, peanut butter, and/or all of the above. Well, I was having one of those moments and, as if possessed by the devil himself, I went to the pantry and dug around until I found my stash of left-over Valentine M&Ms. I was on my third pack when my dog ran up behind me and barked, scaring the crap out of me and causing me to toss my little candy coated chips of chocolate goodness all over the kitchen. It was a mad scramble between me and Buster Loo to see who would pick up the most pieces the fastest. After that, I put the other five bags of candy back in the pantry and went to bed. Defeated.
So this morning, I woke up and got back on the war path. I tried to cook some kind of weird omelet, made a horrible mess and ended up in the drive-thru at McDonald’s. Which is where I was when I decided that I need a personal chef and got mad as hell because I knew I could never afford one.
Cause this low-fat cooking ain’t for me.
So needless to say, I’m having big ole meaty cheese pizza delivered to my front door tonight and I’m not messing up my kitchen for the rest of the weekend. I’ll give that healthy cooking another try on Monday. Not because I want to, but because I’ve got somewhere in the neighborhood of $200 worth of groceries sitting in there that I can’t use for anything else.
So that’s it for my adventures in healthy cooking! I think I’ll go design my very own demotivational FAIL poster now!
May you all have a Happy Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend that I hope is blissfully free of dirty dishes and complicated recipes!
Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,