Mad Fat Friday Breaking News Breakdown by Ace Jones #fatgirlquote #flourpower

Hello and welcome to this Mad Fat Friday Breaking News Breakdown!

What’s on the ticker today?  One of my personal favorites, the lovely and perfectly useless Kim Kardashian. What’s happened to her this time? Oh, it was terrible! It was awful! It was so dangerous that the paramedics were called to the scene!

Last night, Kim Kardashian was hit with what local law enforcement is calling a “so-called flour bomb” but what I’m calling a “terrible waste of biscuit mix”.

I’ve been so upset! When I read this article, all I could think was, “WHY wasn’t this listed in a red scrolling letter box on my MSN home page!?! Because this is NEWS!!”

Kim was quoted as saying that the incident was “probably the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me.” Really? Because I was thinking she might’ve felt that way when her mom posed for Playboy a few years back. Okay….

Kimmy-baby went on to say, “I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that’s a whole lot of translucent powder right there.” Oh, that is such a great play-it-off joke! Because flour is SO well known for its transparency and luminosity. L-Ok not really-L!

And check out this great quote from People.com: “Paramedics were called to West Hollywood’s London Hotel, but Kardashian, who got most of the powder on her jacket and hair, refused treatment…” Oh, dang! If she refused treatment, then I guess I can’t call 911 the next time I make cookies. Shit! (What I’d really like to know is how long it took the people on the scene to determine the “substance” was flour.)

People.com went on to say, “So far, she has not tweeted anything about the incident, although sister Khloé Kardashian Odom was inspired to write: ‘I wish I was with my sister tonight. I bet you that woman wouldn’t have dared tried a thing.’”  Right. Lest we forget who plays the role of family beast.

Moving on…

Perhaps the bomb-launching woman (who walked away footloose and fancy free) was just confused. I mean, what if she thought she was showing up for a Paula Deen cooking demonstration then mistook Kim’s black-leather-clad big round juicy ass for a greased up cornbread skillet?

Or maybe she wasn’t confused at all and was simply voicing her opinion on who should’ve been cast in one of those fifty-six Snow White movies coming out this summer. Maybe she got paid to do it (Kim is not pressing charges). Who knows? And, at the end of the day, who really cares? As long as we’re all having fun!    

The good news is that Kim changed clothes and went on about her business of shameless self-promotion. She was later spotted with a big box of Ding-Dong cakes and overhead saying, “I like that it was self-rising.”

Power to the Flour!

 

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones – #IwannabeaKardashian

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! (Ok, today, I’m not SO mad, but I’m still Fat and it is Friday!) 
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Today I decided that I can no longer take myself seriously if I don’t spend a few minutes talking about Self-Proclaimed-Woman-of Wonder-not-to-be-confused-with-the-real-Wonder-Woman, Kim Kardashian. Now there’s a honey who believes a hundred million fah-fallion people really and truly care about what she says, does, and wears. I mean, obviously some people do and that’s fine, but it seems that Kim and her treasured paparazzi pets get a little carried away with how much of her we really need. Which really isn’t much. At least not for me.

And is it just me or does Kardashian & Kompany seem to have this idea that if they kram, kram, kram enough Kardashian down our throats, then not only will we start to like it, but we will all want more, more, MORE (oh why can’t ‘more’ start with a ‘K’?)! I’m worried that people are going to start getting sued for not talking about what the Kardashians aren’t doing! Seriously!

I would like to take a minute and offer Ms. Kim some friendly advice in that I think she needs to watch her big, foxy backside because, while I don’t know a lot about what’s really going on in KardashianLand, I do know that that big, tall sister of hers is quite capable of whipping her ass all over New York, Miami, and L.A. Have you ever seen a picture of the one that’s 6’4”? (Stupid question…how could you NOT have seen that, right?) Anyway, she always looks so mad. I’m thinking Kim better not push her too far or she’s going to GET IT from her one day!

Which speaking of “gettin’ it”- that tall one should have a show of her own called “That Big Tall Kardashian Sister Takes Down Bitches All Over the World!” and camera crews could follow her around, filming her kicking the shit out of pairs of people like Mayweather & Ortiz, Leno & Letterman, Damon & Affleck, Steven Stegall & Keanu Reeves, Reba & Dolly, Angelina & Brad, Tina Fey & Amy Pohler (only she’d have to take those two one at a time) and maybe a few Elvis impersonators and some unsuspecting cops. Now that would be some good TV!

You know what? I think I just figured out why the Tall Sister doesn’t like Kim’s new husband! Because now that his big, way-taller-than-her self is hanging around all the time, she knows she can’t whip Kim’s ass whenever she wants and I don’t think she likes losing that element of control! Bingo! I think we have a winner with that one!

Oh goodness! My ideas and assumptions are balling out of Kontrol so I guess I better stop here for today.

Really though, regardless of how much Kim Kardashian and her media minions overestimate her importance to us and regardless of how obviously irrelevant and dis-Konnected they are to the real real world, there is no denying that she is one of the hottest, sexiest woman on the prowl these days. She reportedly made six million dollars last year and for what? NOT doing a damn thing constructive - so kudos to her for, if nothing else, knowing how to make some easy money. Maybe someday I could figure out how to make a million dollars off of my own voluptuous ass! Yee haw! Now there’s an exciting prospect! I’m gonna get off here now and go TiVo…uh….what was the name of her show again?

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,
Ace Jones

P.S.
Don’t be hatin’ of a Fat Girl for poking a little fun. If I weighed 97 pounds, I’d feel the same way. It’s all in fun and deep down, I’m just like everyone else on the planet Earth and I wanna be a Kardashian too! Don’t we all, secretly….