OH-M-GEE!! Is it really the final Mad Fat Friday of 2011? Well, that can only mean one thing! It’s time for The Official Ace Jones New Year’s Complete and Total Bullshit Resolution List!!
Ok, here goes:
1) Get up at 5am seven days a week and exercise vigorously
2) Eat 5 to 7 servings of fruits and veggies every day
3) NO pizza, cheeseburgers, or hot wings
4) Lose 30 pounds before Spring Break
5) Stop gettin’ drunker than Cooter Brown
6) Quit cussin’ like a sailor
7) Be nice to everyone
8) Keep my closets clean and organized
9) NO gossiping behind my co-workers back
10) Discontinue plotting the accidental death of my boss
I used to think if I could somehow magically adhere to these lofty expectations for myself, the quality of my life would drastically and fantastically improve. Then one day (probably in early January) I realized that trying to live like that brings me about as much happiness and fulfillment as, say, living in the 17th ring of hot, fiery carb-free hell. But it’s still fun to make out my annual bull-nards list. Cause I just laugh and laugh and then I spend a few minutes marveling at the personal progress I’ve made by realizing that just ain’t who I am. Never has been. Never will be. And that’s a-ok!
So now I’d like to share with you The Official Ace Jones New Year’s Real Fer Shizzle Dizzle Deal Resolution List:
1) Be fat
2) Be fabulous
3) Be mad
4) Be marvelous
5) Be good to myself
6) Be glamorous
7) Have a drink or six as needed
8) Do what needs to be done the right way
9) Respect people who deserve it and tell everyone else to KMFA
10) Remember that speaking the truth is NOT gossiping!
So there you have it! The Mad Fat road to happiness!
Happy New Year’s to all of my fellow Fat Girls, all of you Skinny Girls who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested! And if any of y’all get the hankering to go on a diet, fine. Have at it. You wanna start a new exercise plan? Go for it! I won’t be mad at ya! Just promise me that you whatever you decide to do, you’ll do it because you LOVE LOVE LOVE your wonderful self and not for any other reason WHATSOEVER!!
Peace Out My Fat Sistas!