THE FINAL MAD FAT FRIDAY OF 2011 by Ace Jones #fatgirlquote #fatgirlprobz #newyearsresolutions

OH-M-GEE!! Is it really the final Mad Fat Friday of 2011? Well, that can only mean one thing! It’s time for The Official Ace Jones New Year’s Complete and Total Bullshit Resolution List!!

 Yay!

 Ok, here goes:

1) Get up at 5am seven days a week and exercise vigorously

2) Eat 5 to 7 servings of fruits and veggies every day

3) NO pizza, cheeseburgers, or hot wings

4) Lose 30 pounds before Spring Break

5) Stop gettin’ drunker than Cooter Brown

6) Quit cussin’ like a sailor

7) Be nice to everyone

8) Keep my closets clean and organized

9) NO gossiping behind my co-workers back

10) Discontinue plotting the accidental death of my boss

 I used to think if I could somehow magically adhere to these lofty expectations for myself, the quality of my life would drastically and fantastically improve. Then one day (probably in early January) I realized that trying to live like that brings me about as much happiness and fulfillment as, say, living in the 17^th ring of hot, fiery carb-free hell. But it’s still fun to make out my annual bull-nards list. Cause I just laugh and laugh and then I spend a few minutes marveling at the personal progress I’ve made by realizing that just ain’t who I am. Never has been. Never will be.  And that’s a-ok!

So now I’d like to share with you The Official Ace Jones New Year’s Real Fer Shizzle Dizzle Deal Resolution List:

1)    Be fat

2)   Be fabulous

3)   Be mad

4)   Be marvelous

5)   Be good to myself

6)   Be glamorous

7)   Have a drink or six as needed

8)    Do what needs to be done the right way

9)   Respect people who deserve it and tell everyone else to KMFA

10) Remember that speaking the truth is NOT gossiping!

So there you have it!  The Mad Fat road to happiness!

Happy New Year’s to all of my fellow Fat Girls, all of you Skinny Girls who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested! And if any of y’all get the hankering to go on a diet, fine. Have at it. You wanna start a new exercise plan? Go for it! I won’t be mad at ya! Just promise me that you whatever you decide to do, you’ll do it because you LOVE LOVE LOVE your wonderful self and not for any other reason WHATSOEVER!!

Peace Out My Fat Sistas!

Ace Jones

 

 

My Favorite Things remixed by Ace Jones for this Mad Fat Friday Holiday Special

For your holiday enjoyment….

My Favorite Things by Ace Jones

Spice cake with caramel and milk chocolate reindeer,
Super spiked eggnog and cases of cold beer,
Bowls of Ranch dressing and hot saucy wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Red velvet cupcakes and nut crusted cheese balls,
Meat Lovers Pizza and Southern Comfort 8-balls, 
Red Robin burgers and crisp onion rings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Triple fudge brownies with white cream cheese frosting,
Big beefy weenies with chili cheese topping,
Christmas tree Reece’s and warm Krispy Kremes,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the job bites-
When the boss blows-
When I’m not so glad-
I simply indulge in my fav-o-rite things
And then I don’t feeeeeeeeeel sooo MAD!!

Mad Fat Friday – hosted today by V.I.P guest blogger extraordinaire Kim Kondik #madfatfriday

Hey all, I’m mad, I’m fat and guess what? It’s Friiiday, Friiiiday gotta get mad on Friiiday….
 
Sorry I had to do it, besides what’s life without pissing a few people off each day? You know what pisses me off, well I’m about to break it down for you.
 
1) Skinny people who work at plus sized clothing stores. I love my retail job, I work part-part time (4-8 hours a week) just to get a discount on the chunk clothes. I don’t want my boss to be a skinny, little idiot who calls me darling even though I’m clearly the elder in this situation. And when I am telling someone that a 2x is the equivalent of a 22/24 I KNOW what I’m talking about, that’s my size, I know what I am, don’t come over and say “Oh I thought it was an 18/20, sorry I don’t really wear these sizes.” No crap, crackhead how about you go work at Abercrombie where your blonde, tan, tall and skinny self belongs. Get out of my domain, I got this.
 
2) People who pepper spray other people for a Black Friday Xbox. What in the HELLLL, is wrong with you, are you insane? How absolutely ridiculous is this person to think that would be an okay way to keep people from the stupid pallet of gaming systems. Not to mention, a lot of good buying your kid an xbox is going to be when you’re in jail from assault charges. Way to go mom, that kid will be in therapy for years, wondering why the xbox makes him sad.
 
3) People who just assume they know everything about anything. I personally believe 70% of people just BS their way through life, only really knowing enough to not sound like a total idiot. At least most of the people I have to deal with this applies to. The other 30% know they sound like an idiot, but pretend not to realize it. (This is just my opinion and not the belief of anyone else associated with this rant.) I also, include myself in that 70%. I’m not exempt to idiocy, I’m no Kim K…well I am, but I’m not the famous one.
 
4) Bible thumpers. And I’m not talking about your typical, every day Jesus freak. I’m Catholic, so trust me I get it. But I am not the kind of Catholic that walks door to door asking if you’ve “Found Jesus.” I’m the kind that opens the door and says “I figured if he was missing it’d be all over the news…so,  no I haven’t been looking.” Today I saw people standing on the street talking to the people who would roll their windows down, freezing their asses off, holding signs that said “Jesus is coming, are you ready?” I live in Ohio, it’s December it ain’t pleasant out here, go inside and pray for God to grant you a miracle, and give you a brain.
 
5) UofM fans. I’m a buckeye, it is what it is.
 
and lastly,
6) Men. All men, not just my husband. My dad, my brother, my cousins and uncles. Almost every single man I know is a moron. And I’m not talking about his intellect, I’m talking about when it comes to having any common sense at all. If I say something, I’m telling you exactly what I want. Leave me alone means, leave me alone. I’m pissed off and don’t want to talk to you right now. I don’t want to hear about your bowel movements, your stench, or hear you yelling about how you “shot that guy in the face, there’s no way he didn’t die.” (Call Of Duty for those of you lucky ladies who don’t have to deal with that shit)
 
One thing that really doesn’t piss me off is…
 
The fact that I was given the opportunity to guest write for the weekly Mad Fat Friday blog!! I’ve told people before, that reading this is the main reason I don’t kill people all week, because I doubt they’d let me read the blog from my prison cell. So I hope you all enjoyed it, maybe it made your Friday a little less obnoxious, maybe it stopped you from assaulting someone with pepper spray, I don’t know. But I hope it made someone laugh, because I’m cracking up. 
So anyways, that wraps it up. Today’s rant, brought to you by PMS and lack of sleep.

Have a great day!

Kim K.

http://kimkondik.tumblr.com/

Mad Fat Friday – hosted today by V.I.P guest blogger extraordinaire DANI GEER! Enjoy! #madfatfriday

It’s Mad Fat Friday, Cupcake style.

 

First and foremost, my name is Dani and my blog is Facebooking From The Edge at http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot,com

My blog is totally for the easily offended, so please… if you know anyone who has a chronic stick up their ass and gets butthurt about everything, send them my way. I’m all about offending people.

 

Meanwhile, I’m Mad, I’m FAT, and it’s motherfucking FRIDAY, bitches (and bitchos… I’m all about equal rights and stuff).

 

I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, I’ve been everywhere in between, and at every single point in my life, I’ve struggled with my body image. I’m one of those girls who has made the same damn goal every single January 1st since the dawn of time: Lose Weight. It never mattered what I weighed on New Year’s Eve, my goal was always to LOSE WEIGHT.

 

Fuck that.

 

I’ve finally reached a point in my life (I’m 48… will be 49 on December 20, which is a SUCKY time to have a birthday, especially if you ever want a gift that ISN’T wrapped in Christmas paper. Also? Try having a birthday party 5 days before Christmas. It isn’t happening. And those who show up WILL give you either a Christmas ornament or a snow globe. Trust me on this)…

 

Shit… remember the time I totally lost my train of thought?

 

Okay, anyway… I’ve reached a point in my life where my GOAL is to FEEL GOOD ABOUT MY BODY NO MATTER WHAT SIZE I’M WEARING. I ain’t gonna lie, my size has two digits in it. Not that long ago I was rocking a size 7, but what with one thing or another, I’ve re-fatted like a champ and I’m leaning more towards “One Size Fits MOST” yoga wear. (Have you seen the Tide commercial where the woman says, “I wear yoga pants because I’m too lazy for regular pants.” If she were shorter, brunetter, older, and a little fatter, that would totally be me.)

 

BUT HERE’S THE THING:

 

I WANT TO FEEL PRETTY AND SEXY NO MATTER WHAT I’M WEARING.

 

I’m TIRED of society and the media making women feel like we have to be a certain size in order to be OKAY.

I HATE it when I see a confident, plus size woman rocking something body hugging and fabulous and some ASSHOLE says, “She’s too FAT to be wearing THAT!”

 

Oh, REALLY, Douche-nozzle? SAYS WHO?

 

I ENVY that woman. I want to be HER. I want to put on something that hugs my curves, emphasizes my boobage, doesn’t hide the fact that I’m a chubby girl, and I want to wear it with pride and feel GOOD in it.

 

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as “being too fat” to wear something. If it makes you feel good, if you feel sexy and beautiful in it, then by all means, please, please, PLEASE WEAR IT.

 

And if you’re on the beach in a swim suit and you aren’t hiding behind a towel or a cover-up? I totally want to be you when I grow up.

I don’t look at large women doing fun things and think, “Oh my God, look how fat she is!” I think, “Rock on, sistah… I want to be like YOU.”

Come check out my blog at http://deathbycupcakes01.blogspot.com! I have everything from Adventures in Ambien Eating to Lego Porn. If it crosses my mind, it’s going to be in my blog.

 

Much love to Miss Stephanie for giving me this fabulous opportunity to be Mad and Fat this Friday!!!

 

You rock my world, Miss Thang!!

 

xoxo

 

Dani

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (todays topic: #LindsayLohan #LiLo)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

I don’t know what you’ve been doing on this lovely day, but I’ve been watching and rewatching the video of  Lindsay Lohan getting in trouble for not acting right during her probation! Who saw that one coming? Not me!  And I don’t know what that correspondent, Gordon Tonka Truck, was talking about when he said she should be getting used to this by now! Gordon! How could you!

He said my girl LiLo (why do I always want to type LOL instead of that?) didn’t say a word as she “ran the gauntlet of reporters and cameras.” He made it sound like she was white water rafting and white water rafting is fun, I say! It’s fun! If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was implying that she actually enjoys the attention she’s getting! Come to think of it, I don’t know better so, Mr. Tonka Truck, how dare you! OMG I’m getting madder by the minute!

And that Stephanie Sautner! Trying to act like LOL, oops I mean LiLo should be responsible and make her appointments and such like the court tells her to do! What does that woman think she’s a judge or something? And then that bit about looking a gift horse in the mouth! What was that all about? Then those cameras zoomed in on my girl DilDo, oh gosh, I’m sorry, I mean LiLo, and she’s sitting there looking around like “I did what with a horse!”  

I mean, that judge obviously doesn’t know what kind of iron will she’s up against trying to make little Miss Lohan do something. Remember back in 2008 when SpeedO, I mean LiLo, tried to jump on the Obama wagon and was politely turned away? But she kept on keeping on with the oral support even after Obama was quoted as saying that she was “not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be positive for us.” I hate to be the one to point this out, but if a girl don’t listen to the President of the United States, she ain’t gonna listen to some measly judge!  

I almost feel sorry for her poor lawyer standing there, telling the judge that poor Lindsay wasn’t in Europe having fun, she was trying to make money to support her family. What more does a judge need after that explanation? Has she not heard about Dina and Mike? I mean, Lindsay has been in The Parent Trap since she was born back in 1986!

I know people think SheBlo (oh man! I can’t get that right) I mean LiLo needs to Get a Clue and stop living like a Douchebag Drama Queen, but let me just say that maybe she can’t help it. Even Nice Girls don’t want to sit on the sidelines while Herbie is the only one getting Fully Loaded! Have you seen the last few movies she’s done? I haven’t! But I looked them up on Wikipedia and I think she’s trying to send us a message.  In 2010, she was in a film called “Machete”. The year before that, she did one called “Labor Pains”.  Eeeeeck! Scary! I say either let the bitch go or throw her in jail for good before something awful happens to us all!

Well, I don’t know what anybody else is doing this weekend, but I’m about to go dye my hair red and snort some ‘caine! Have a great Mad Fat Freaky Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (today’s topic #dietpills #dietfail)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Know what I’m mad about today? Diet pills. Diet pills piss me off. And commercials for diet pills make me want to go to Wal-Mart and slap all their products off the shelves. Especially that one with my hero, Kim Kardashian, featured on the box because, try as I may, I don’t remember a time when she was a Fat Girl so WTF is up with that?  And then you have those FDA approved diet pills in boxes that don’t say, “Will give you the flaming running shits for sixteen hours straight” but should, you know?

Every Fat Girl on the planet knows that diet pills are a complete and total waste of money. How do we know? Because we’ve tried damn near every pill on the market and several that have been taken off.

I’ve done it. I’ve taken my fair share. Far be it from me to sit here and try to convince anyone that I’m above trying to take the easy way out ‘cause I’m not. I’m all for the easy way. As a matter of fact, I’ve gone the distance in search of the easy way. I drove 100 miles to West Memphis, Arkansas, and dropped a few hundred dollars on pills that weren’t available in Mississippi or Tennessee. Ever heard of phen-phen? Oh yeah, those are the diet pills that broke me. Literally and figuratively.

Now, to be clear, I did lose some weight on those bad boys. I lost about 25 pounds with a quickness. Why? Because taking that mess was like being on crack-cocaine. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep, so all I did was get shit done. My house was clean, my car was clean, my grass was mowed, and I organized every junk drawer I had six times a day for a week. So what was the problem? The problem was when that crap starting wearing off, I found myself on the fast train to b-i-t-c-h city.

I’m not talking about a normal case of being bitchy here, I’m talking super-natural bitchiness. The kind that might get you sent to prison. For life. I turned into a mean, crazy, deranged, lunatic bitch. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, only I didn’t turn green when I ripped my shirt off. It was bad. I had to stop taking that crap before I murdered someone in the check-out line for not putting their groceries on the counter as fast as I thought they should. I mean, those heifers from Chicago wouldn’t have shit on me. It was that bad. I was that bad. So I quit. And did I gain the weight back? Immediately.

I knew better. I mean, I had to cross two state lines to get those pills. That really should set off some kind of idiot alert in my head but, unfortunately for me, my idiot alert doesn’t function properly most of the time.

And we all know better. So why do we do it? Why do we try to take the easy way out when we know the only way is the hard way?

Maybe because being a Fat Girl isn’t always fun. Like when we have to go clothes shopping. Maybe because we have trouble working that magical combination of diet and exercise into our crazy-ass lives. I do. I get desperate. We all get desperate. And what really pisses me off about diet pills is that there are people, hell, entire companies lining their pockets because of our desperation.

Think about how much better life would be without desperation. I don’t know about you, but I can think of more than a few times when I’ve gone to a bar, got hammered, and in my loneliness and desperation, went home with a skinny guy. It happens. Desperation isn’t becoming for us Thick Sexy Bitches. So let’s stop reaching into our wallets and dishing out hard-earned money for diet pills.  And only go home with a skinny boy if they have a fat weenie!

 So good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones #fatgirlwin #melissamccarthy

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! (And by mad, I mean crazy excited!)

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat Girls and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

I hereby dedicate this Mad Fat Friday to my official hero, Melissa McCarthy, who has been racking up Fat Girl Wins like a wild woman. Her latest: She’ll be hosting Saturday Night Live tomorrow night, Oct 1!  How’s that for a Fat Girl Win we can all get excited about?  

So where do you know her from? Well, she was Sookie St. James on Gilmore Girls and Dena on Samantha Who? And she’s currently the star of Mike & Molly, for which she just won an Emmy. Yes, a freakin’ Emmy. So there’s another Fat Girl Win to get excited about!

She’s been in quite a few movies, including my absolute-most-favorite-film-of-all-time, Bridesmaids. If you haven’t seen it, go get it tonight. Better yet, drop whatever you’re doing and go get it right now and if anyone tries to stop you, get a real crazy look in your eye and yell, “It’s Mad Fat Friday, bitches! Step back!”

So what’s she got coming up? Well, she’s set to be in This is Forty, the sequel to Judd Apatow’s Knocked Up and she will star in the upcoming film ID Theft with my boyfriend, Jason Bateman. (Ok, maybe I just wish he was my boyfriend. Maybe I’ve been wishing that since his days on Silver Spoons. Maybe those maybes don’t even belong in those sentences. I should also note that I was madly in love with Ricky Schroeder but my crush on him was over when the series ended.) So we have a lot to look forward to from the new Queen of the Plump Damsels!

But wait! There’s more! Wanna know another reason I love Melissa McCarthy (like I really need one)? She is quoted in People saying, “Trying to find stuff that’s still fashion-forward in my size is damn near impossible. It’s either for like a 98-year-old woman or a 14-year-old hooker, and there is nothing in the middle.”

O.M.G. Fat Girls, how great is it to hear someone say that out loud when people are actually listening!?!

She also said that shopping for something to wear to the Emmys required her to sift through “nine million dresses with taffeta or shiny bows.” Oh, Melissa, preach on, sister!

So guess what she’s up to now? Why, co-designing her own line with couturier Daniella Pearl.

Fat Girl Win!

Melissa McCarthy is Mad Fat-tabulous!

So adios for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend! Don’t miss Melissa on SNL tomorrow night!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones – #IwannabeaKardashian

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY! (Ok, today, I’m not SO mad, but I’m still Fat and it is Friday!) 
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Today I decided that I can no longer take myself seriously if I don’t spend a few minutes talking about Self-Proclaimed-Woman-of Wonder-not-to-be-confused-with-the-real-Wonder-Woman, Kim Kardashian. Now there’s a honey who believes a hundred million fah-fallion people really and truly care about what she says, does, and wears. I mean, obviously some people do and that’s fine, but it seems that Kim and her treasured paparazzi pets get a little carried away with how much of her we really need. Which really isn’t much. At least not for me.

And is it just me or does Kardashian & Kompany seem to have this idea that if they kram, kram, kram enough Kardashian down our throats, then not only will we start to like it, but we will all want more, more, MORE (oh why can’t ‘more’ start with a ‘K’?)! I’m worried that people are going to start getting sued for not talking about what the Kardashians aren’t doing! Seriously!

I would like to take a minute and offer Ms. Kim some friendly advice in that I think she needs to watch her big, foxy backside because, while I don’t know a lot about what’s really going on in KardashianLand, I do know that that big, tall sister of hers is quite capable of whipping her ass all over New York, Miami, and L.A. Have you ever seen a picture of the one that’s 6’4”? (Stupid question…how could you NOT have seen that, right?) Anyway, she always looks so mad. I’m thinking Kim better not push her too far or she’s going to GET IT from her one day!

Which speaking of “gettin’ it”- that tall one should have a show of her own called “That Big Tall Kardashian Sister Takes Down Bitches All Over the World!” and camera crews could follow her around, filming her kicking the shit out of pairs of people like Mayweather & Ortiz, Leno & Letterman, Damon & Affleck, Steven Stegall & Keanu Reeves, Reba & Dolly, Angelina & Brad, Tina Fey & Amy Pohler (only she’d have to take those two one at a time) and maybe a few Elvis impersonators and some unsuspecting cops. Now that would be some good TV!

You know what? I think I just figured out why the Tall Sister doesn’t like Kim’s new husband! Because now that his big, way-taller-than-her self is hanging around all the time, she knows she can’t whip Kim’s ass whenever she wants and I don’t think she likes losing that element of control! Bingo! I think we have a winner with that one!

Oh goodness! My ideas and assumptions are balling out of Kontrol so I guess I better stop here for today.

Really though, regardless of how much Kim Kardashian and her media minions overestimate her importance to us and regardless of how obviously irrelevant and dis-Konnected they are to the real real world, there is no denying that she is one of the hottest, sexiest woman on the prowl these days. She reportedly made six million dollars last year and for what? NOT doing a damn thing constructive - so kudos to her for, if nothing else, knowing how to make some easy money. Maybe someday I could figure out how to make a million dollars off of my own voluptuous ass! Yee haw! Now there’s an exciting prospect! I’m gonna get off here now and go TiVo…uh….what was the name of her show again?

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,
Ace Jones

P.S.
Don’t be hatin’ of a Fat Girl for poking a little fun. If I weighed 97 pounds, I’d feel the same way. It’s all in fun and deep down, I’m just like everyone else on the planet Earth and I wanna be a Kardashian too! Don’t we all, secretly….

Mad Fat Friday by Ace Jones (today’s topic: #mediamorons)

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

On this fantastic Mad Fat Friday, I thought we could discuss Morons in Media.  Seeing as how that’s a terrible large number of morons, I’m just going to hit a few of my favorites.

Let’s start with Toddlers & Tiaras. Have you seen the latest issue of People? One of those strangely painted up little girls is on the cover.  I guess the folks at People decided that just in case someone eventually wises up to the fact that the show has indeed “Gone Too Far” and yes,  it is “Too Much Too Soon”  they could help by piling on some extra publicity.

I mean, it’s not like there are ignorant women all over the South (according to the article, that’s where most participants are from) thinking about robbing their local cigarette shop so they can spend $100,000 a year on their 2 or 3-year-old little girl so the poor, unsuspecting toddler can “have the privilege” of sitting through hours upon hours of hair, make-up, spray tans, coaching, and getting fitted for “flippers” -which is fake teeth. Yes, I said fake teeth. For a toddler. I mean, who needs a Montessori school when you can put your child in a “glitz” pageant?

What is wrong with these mothers? And I use the term “mother” loosely here. I can’t help but wonder if there is enough attention in the whole wide world for  these poor misguided “moms” whose souls have so obviously been consumed by the “Fame Monster” I heard Lady Gaga talking about. One “mom” (again, using the term loosely), who dressed her 3-year-old up as the prostitute in Pretty Woman, was quoted as saying that Toddlers & Tiaras was “unfairly scrutinized” compared to dance or gymnastics competitions. Really? Does she not know why? Perhaps if she took the time to examine her question, she might stumble upon an answer to that.

Another “mom” who dressed her kid up as Dolly, complete with stuffed t&a, said that Kentucky thought it was funny but Connecticut didn’t get it. Really? Talk about your all-time embarrassing moments for Southerners who think what she’s doing isn’t funny at all and really, really, really f—ked up!

Yet another “mom was quoted as saying, “Hey, Miss U.S. A. wears six-inch heels! You gotta prep somehow!” Right. Because that’s important.  Unlike saving for your child’s college education.  And the countless hours of therapy they’ll need because their moms were complete fucking morons.   

The best part of the article, however, came when Amy Winter, TLC’s executive vice president and general manager says that they are just observing and documenting and not costuming the kids. Oh, Amy, that makes it all better! Amy goes on to say, “We’re not passing judgment, and we’re not condoning anything.” Really, but you are putting in on national television? So you’re innocent, right? Just like Casey Anthony.

Ok, so I’ve taken up all of this Mad Fat Friday with Toddlers & Tiaras, but I just couldn’t help myself. In the expansive world of Morons in the Media, well, the women involved in that show deserve a spot way up at the top. We shall call them The Queens of the Media Morons. Somebody go get them a crown.  

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

MAD FAT FRIDAY by Ace Jones

I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!

 Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all of you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!

Today I would like to discuss online shopping and I think the first thing we need to do is climb up on our rooftops and shout, “Old Navy, what the f—k  were you thinking when you pulled all of your Thick Sexy Bitch clothes out of your stores and put them ‘exclusively’ online!?! Are you f—king kidding!?!”

My favorite part of shopping Old Navy online is when I move my mouse over the tab that says, “Women’s Plus – Sizes 16-30” and the highlighted tab pops up with, “Women’s Plus – Exclusively Online” like they did all the Fat Girls a favor by taking away their right to try on clothes in an actual dressing room in their store. Really, Old Navy? Really?

I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a computer and clicking on articles of clothing without having any idea what they actually look or feel like, then waiting patiently seven to ten days for them to arrive on my front porch. Then when the wardrobe is delivered, I get to spend thirty minutes unwrapping each individual piece before trying it all on in the comfort of my home because I’m a Fat Girl and obviously unworthy of a dressing room in a real store so I buy first and try on second.  

If I’m lucky, half of what I ordered will fit and the other half either won’t  or looks stupid as shit so then I set about trying to match up the clothes I have to return with their little plastic bags on which is printed a secret Old Navy jumble of capital letters underneath  a bar code. I’ve thought about pinning the clothes to their respective bags, but that’s just too damn ridiculous to have to do.  I tried trying them on one at a time, but I like to try on outfits, so I still ended up with a big pile of plastic bags and no idea which bag goes with what.  The weird, page-sized plastic sticker label thing helps a little and using it comes in handy because, when my detective work pays off and I match a bag to an article of clothing, I can mark it accordingly on the item list.   

So I when I finally get each piece back in it’s proper little plastic bag, I box it all up and wrap it with fifty feet of packing tape, but not to worry! The fun doesn’t stop there because this is the part of the Old Navy shopping experience when I actually get to get in my car and drive somewhere. All the way to the closest UPS store.

I guess some compassionate soul thought sending free shipping labels to Fat Girls was the least they could do after getting us all excited about having a great place to shop then jerking the rug out from under us and sending our collective fat asses to the floor in a massive thud of disappointment.  Yeah, thanks for that. I think next time I head to the UPS store, I’m going to walk in the door saying, “Fat Girl Clothes! Mad Fat Girl coming thru! Make room! WIDE LOAD!”  I don’t know what that would accomplish other than being extremely entertaining for me on a personal level, but what more do I really need than that?

Let me say at this point that, besides the aggravating way in which I have to acquire them, I do have a number of Old Navy clothing for which I’m very thankful.  I have several tees and shorts that not only fit well, but look good on me and there’s not a Fat Girl on planet Earth that wouldn’t chalk that up as a win.

Now what we all need is for Old Navy to get the Plump Damsel or Big Beautiful Babes or whatever they want to call our clothing line other than Women’s Plus BACK IN THE STORES!! C’mon, Old Navy, do it for the Fat Girls.

I realize that I’ve spent the majority of this Mad Fat Friday post harping on Old Navy and, as much as they deserve it, I feel like it would be fair to mention a few other stores. I’ve noticed that a lot of Major Department Stores (discussed last Friday) have some really cool stuff available online, but not in their  actual stores. Why is that? I can’t help but wonder if it’s the merchandising worlds way of putting out a message to the Fat Girls.

 I can just see some tall, abnormally skinny lady with a nasal, high-pitched voice standing in a big, fancy office somewhere saying, “If we limit the options of the Plus Sized Woman, then maybe she will go away.” I mean, somebody somewhere is causing this problem and I think whoever that is should be kicked right square in their ass.

So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!

Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,

Ace Jones

P.S.

Special note to anyone thinking about writing a snotty-ass comment about how Fat Girls need to focus more on diet and exercise and less on bitching and complaining: I will post your comment and, in my reply, I will rip you another asshole. Why, because I’m mad, I’m fat, & it’s Friday (and if you read this next Thursday, it still won’t be your day to approach me). Fat Girls know they’re fat. I speak for all my fellow Fat Girls when I say that we are painfully aware that we pinch more way more than an inch. Got it? Some people, perhaps you, are not so aware of their own personal issues and/or shortcomings. Don’t make me point those out for you. Ok? Great! Now hustle on back (jog if you like) to your non-fat pals who probably can’t stand to be you around you anyway. Adios!