I’M MAD, I’M FAT, AND IT’S FRIDAY!
Greetings and Happy Mad Fat Friday to all of my fellow Fat Girls as well as all of you Skinny Chicks who wish you were Fat and any Fat Boys who might be interested!
Today I would like to discuss online shopping and I think the first thing we need to do is climb up on our rooftops and shout, “Old Navy, what the f—k were you thinking when you pulled all of your Thick Sexy Bitch clothes out of your stores and put them ‘exclusively’ online!?! Are you f—king kidding!?!”
My favorite part of shopping Old Navy online is when I move my mouse over the tab that says, “Women’s Plus – Sizes 16-30” and the highlighted tab pops up with, “Women’s Plus – Exclusively Online” like they did all the Fat Girls a favor by taking away their right to try on clothes in an actual dressing room in their store. Really, Old Navy? Really?
I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but there’s nothing I love more than sitting in front of a computer and clicking on articles of clothing without having any idea what they actually look or feel like, then waiting patiently seven to ten days for them to arrive on my front porch. Then when the wardrobe is delivered, I get to spend thirty minutes unwrapping each individual piece before trying it all on in the comfort of my home because I’m a Fat Girl and obviously unworthy of a dressing room in a real store so I buy first and try on second.
If I’m lucky, half of what I ordered will fit and the other half either won’t or looks stupid as shit so then I set about trying to match up the clothes I have to return with their little plastic bags on which is printed a secret Old Navy jumble of capital letters underneath a bar code. I’ve thought about pinning the clothes to their respective bags, but that’s just too damn ridiculous to have to do. I tried trying them on one at a time, but I like to try on outfits, so I still ended up with a big pile of plastic bags and no idea which bag goes with what. The weird, page-sized plastic sticker label thing helps a little and using it comes in handy because, when my detective work pays off and I match a bag to an article of clothing, I can mark it accordingly on the item list.
So I when I finally get each piece back in it’s proper little plastic bag, I box it all up and wrap it with fifty feet of packing tape, but not to worry! The fun doesn’t stop there because this is the part of the Old Navy shopping experience when I actually get to get in my car and drive somewhere. All the way to the closest UPS store.
I guess some compassionate soul thought sending free shipping labels to Fat Girls was the least they could do after getting us all excited about having a great place to shop then jerking the rug out from under us and sending our collective fat asses to the floor in a massive thud of disappointment. Yeah, thanks for that. I think next time I head to the UPS store, I’m going to walk in the door saying, “Fat Girl Clothes! Mad Fat Girl coming thru! Make room! WIDE LOAD!” I don’t know what that would accomplish other than being extremely entertaining for me on a personal level, but what more do I really need than that?
Let me say at this point that, besides the aggravating way in which I have to acquire them, I do have a number of Old Navy clothing for which I’m very thankful. I have several tees and shorts that not only fit well, but look good on me and there’s not a Fat Girl on planet Earth that wouldn’t chalk that up as a win.
Now what we all need is for Old Navy to get the Plump Damsel or Big Beautiful Babes or whatever they want to call our clothing line other than Women’s Plus BACK IN THE STORES!! C’mon, Old Navy, do it for the Fat Girls.
I realize that I’ve spent the majority of this Mad Fat Friday post harping on Old Navy and, as much as they deserve it, I feel like it would be fair to mention a few other stores. I’ve noticed that a lot of Major Department Stores (discussed last Friday) have some really cool stuff available online, but not in their actual stores. Why is that? I can’t help but wonder if it’s the merchandising worlds way of putting out a message to the Fat Girls.
I can just see some tall, abnormally skinny lady with a nasal, high-pitched voice standing in a big, fancy office somewhere saying, “If we limit the options of the Plus Sized Woman, then maybe she will go away.” I mean, somebody somewhere is causing this problem and I think whoever that is should be kicked right square in their ass.
So this is good-bye for today! Have a great Mad Fat Friday and wonderful weekend!
Much love from your fellow Fat Girl,
Special note to anyone thinking about writing a snotty-ass comment about how Fat Girls need to focus more on diet and exercise and less on bitching and complaining: I will post your comment and, in my reply, I will rip you another asshole. Why, because I’m mad, I’m fat, & it’s Friday (and if you read this next Thursday, it still won’t be your day to approach me). Fat Girls know they’re fat. I speak for all my fellow Fat Girls when I say that we are painfully aware that we pinch more way more than an inch. Got it? Some people, perhaps you, are not so aware of their own personal issues and/or shortcomings. Don’t make me point those out for you. Ok? Great! Now hustle on back (jog if you like) to your non-fat pals who probably can’t stand to be you around you anyway. Adios!